“To this day I can tell you exactly the place and time when I began to feel this terrible sadness suddenly and dramatically come upon me. I felt myself sliding down and over a dark precipice from which I was not able to climb out of for over a year of painful months. An unfamiliar  feeling of inner pain and numbness descended upon me.

At the time I truly thought this descent into hell came from “out of the blue.” But like all feelings that we experience, I now know that because of situations in my most recent past, and my reactions to them, that these thoughts and feeling had accumulated a wealth of debt whose note had come due on this particularly warm day in August.  Starting with this day, I began to move through a fog that not even will power could lift.

I realized in time, unless I started to do something about the way I felt and take responsibility for myself and my behavior, my situation most probably would worsen.”

COMMENT: And my depression did just that–it worsened. Tomorrow the story will be continued. Stay tuned.

Hugh

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SOURCE: I’ll do it when I feel better. (2014) Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville. (Chapter One: The Depressed Anonymous Story. How it all began. Pages 1-2.)

as

“Our ultimate resource is our willingness to believe that we will in time and work get better. We can feel better too. You will finally come to a group of people who have the same desire that you do, namely the desire to free oneself from the feeling of despair and hopelessness. But if my 30 years or more in the program mean anything –it is that I can become my own best resource for living a life free from fear, shame and anxiety.  I am a believer that my ultimate resource  is the God of my understanding. For some the Higher Power is the group. You know, “two heads are better than one.”  We also believe that the spiritual awakening that the program promotes is absolutely  an essential feature of the program. I have finally trusted the God of my understanding that it will get me through each day, even minutes, hours at a time. I truly believe and know that I can choose the way I feel! So will you. That’s a promise. Come join us.”

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Source: I’ll  do it when I feel better. (2014) Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville. Page 57. (Quote referenced from Chapter 6: Compulsions and Choices: The addictive nature of the depression experience.)

“My mind was blank and my feelings were on edge. I felt as if a large hole with jagged edges was located in the center of my psyche.  It was at this time that I began to feel like I was walking in a fog.  The anxiety was exacerbate by the fact that I was having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. The pain that this hole produced became a daily reminder that something was not right and so I took comfort in sleep. I went to bed as soon as I got home from work. I thought that I could shake off with sleep whatever held me by the throat. All that had held interest for me–all my interests in people -my future career as a therapist –I lost interest in everything. Nothing provided any pleasure  for me at this time. My life was on hold. The only thing that I was interested in was sleep.  I just wanted to sleep.”

Comment

This is taken from the 1st chapter of I’ll do it when I feel better. It’s the story of how my own depression gave me the impetus to set up and organize a group of persons   depressed, following the program of the Twelve Steps.  This 1st chapter tells how it all began.

In the following weeks we will take excerpts from this work and help give an idea of what some of our basic beliefs are about. Please join us here.

Hugh

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SOURCE: I’LLDO IT WHEN I FEEL BETTER(2014) Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville. Page 2.

One of the many ways that we rationalize and make excuses is to put off what needs to be taken care of today. You don’t put off  today  from taking care of what could be a life threatening illness  or disease tomorrow.  We all have said to ourselves, “I’ll do it when I feel better.” This procrastination is also operative in those of us who want to wait a little  longer before we see the dentist, for example, or get a check up for  an unrelenting stomach ache and for whatever  else that may  ail us.

The same with depression and its ongoing symptoms of anxiety, fatigue, constantly ruminating  about all the bad things that have happened to us or all the things we feel shame and /or guilt about. These negative feelings just never seem to end.  One solution is just to stay in bed, pull the sheets  over our head and sleep. We then say to ourselves, “I’ll get help when I have the energy and when I begin to feel better.”

I know all about this procrastination business and this interminable sadness that had me by the throat that  it was only until I became worried enough to do something about it, that I got moving.

In our book “I’ll do it when I feel better” published in 2014, that I give a  look at some of the ways we can get busy today, to do something about our lethargy, constant negative thinking, and total lack of physical activity. All this is undergirded by the spiritual principles of the 12 Steps of Depressed Anonymous. It is when we realize  we are part of something bigger than ourselves that we can finally quit rolling the stone up the hill like Sisyphus in the legend of old. The way to get ourselves out a  hole is to stop digging!

SOURCES: I’ll do it when I feel better.(2014)  Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville.

Hello

If you happened to land on our Depressed Anonymous site here on the Internet and you think you are depressed, we have some thoughts to share with you.

First of all, we welc0me you.It’s not easy to admit that something is happening in our body and it is not getting better. What is it? Well, it has been over thirty years ago that I experienced those same feeling —  gradually losing control over how I felt and finding myself  sliding slowly down a slippery slope. I didn’t have a clue of what was happening to me. It was as if I could see myself, in slow motion, losing my grip on anything to hang onto. I couldn’t get enough sleep; lost weight; bashed myself continually for past personal situations that ended up badly in my life; lost girlfriend; guilt and shame filled my thoughts, every day and every hour. I think you get the picture.

And with all these negative emotions running through my  veins –wouldn’t this bring any body down? And I was down.

Thank God, I already  had begun a 12 Step program of recovery three years prior (for another addiction)  to this experience with depression and I knew it had the power to help me out of this depression prison that I had  me locked down.

Then I made  a  decision and admitted I had a problem and needed  to act quickly or my sadness would completely put me down and out. I started walking five miles every day for weeks hoping this would take  away this interminable jitteriness and anxiety that was keeping me less  able to function. I knew that I couldn’t lose my job. But I couldn’t get out of bed as well. So, walking was a solution that I settled on. I would have to see a Doctor  if the pain didn’t stop. In time it did stop. I came to believe that a Power greater than myself would restore me to sanity. I made a decision to do something. I knew if I moved the body, my mind would follow. For the past year my mind, body   had been stuck in “park.”

Did  I get better? Yes. And then I became a member of Depressed Anonymous and told people how the Steps can help one get better with the Steps and the fellowship of Depressed Anonymous.

By studying the Steps and reading the literature everyday, I finally understood what the depression experience will do to our relationships, our mind and our  physical body. The one great advantage for me was the fact that I could talk to people just like myself. It takes one to know one. To have friends who neither put me down, or who thought I was crazy,  or told me just to “snap out of it” was a  great healing for  me.

Slowly the mental fog lifted and I began to feel like my old cheerful self as I   began to live in the freedom of  that Power greater than myself who was now at the center of my life.

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 SOURCES: (C) Depressed Once-Not Twice (2002) Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville.

(c) Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition. Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville.

HIGHER THOUGHT FOR TODAY/JULY 12th

AFFIRMATION

I want serenity and pray for it today. I locate the ways that I can risk just for this one day.

“…everything that I need I get — and when I get what I need I invariably find that it was just what I wanted all the time.” Depressed Anonymous

CLARIFICATION OF THOUGHT

This truth works out in my life the more I follow and work my program of the Twelve Steps of recovery. When I admitted that I was powerless over my depression and that my life was unmanageable, I began to come across people and the literature that I needed to work myself out of my depression. I had to take the next step and come to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I began to believe that I can get better. I can choose to feel a little better today. I am able to risk living just for today, and not in the fear that tomorrow I’ll probably feel like my old awful self once again. “What you seek will seek you.”

MEDITATION

God, you didn’t create us to live in this continual fear and anxiety. You created us to find the joy and serenity that can be ours if we continue to search out and follow your will for us. From this day forward, we refuse to tolerate this sense of despair in our lives, but instead do something about it. Lead us on God, to what we need for today. We trust that you will.”

NOW AVAILABLE ON AMAZON/KINDLE. VISIT THE DEPRESSED ANONYMOUS BOOKSTORE HERE AND ORDER ONLINE, TODAY!

SOURCE: Higher Thoughts for Down Days: 365 daily thoughts and meditations for members of 12 Step fellowship groups. Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville.

Take your spiritual vitamin and energizer wherever you go by making Higher Thoughts for Down Days available on your AMAZON /KINDLE, each day and everyday.

Continued from July 10th’s blog

” I am finding out that my life is not as horrible as I’ve made it out to be. I used to tell myself that since it happened before, it will happen again– and that simply is not true.  Yes, my past was horrible and it’s no wonder I ended up with depression.  I want out of it and the only person to get me out is me.  There is not a magic wand to transport you to  the life you want. Everyone knows what they wish their life could be like –so do it! Make the changes you have to make, trust in God and always remember that good things come to those who wait. I’ve waited  over half my life. I don’t have to be a victim of my past or of my mind anymore. I’m more than ready for the good things! With love and hope!

Signed: A Depressed Anonymous member writing in:

DEPRESSED ANONYMOUS, 3RD EDITION.  DEPRESSED ANONYMOUS PUBLICATIONS. LOUISVILLE. PAGES,120-121. (PERSONAL STORIES SECTION  #9/31).

VISIT THE STORE for much more literature on the  12 steps as tools to overcome one’s depression. Order online or snail mail.

  A VICTIM IN MY OWN MIND.

Depression was something I grew up with. I really had no idea that I had it until my Senior year in college.  It started with my parent’s divorce and ended with me totally losing control over everything in my life. I couldn’t decide what career I wanted, but hated every job I could think of. I couldn’t decide what city or state to live in, so I kept moving, hoping that the next place I lived in  would make me happy. Eventually, I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to live or to die.  I cried at the  drop of a hat, but still found enough rage inside to push the people I loved as far away from me as possible.

I knew that I needed help. I had been to counselors on three other times in my life, but nothing ever seemed to work or last. This time, I have been in counseling for about two months. I was sick and tired of being like this. I wanted a life and I wanted to be happy. Every week, someone would notice a change in me, but I still felt the same. Then one day while watching TV (thinking thoughts at 100 mph), it occurred to me that I was making myself miserable.

I had always known that I was hard on myself. I reamed myself every time something bad happened. “Why can’t I find someone to love me“? “Why isn’t God looking after me?”  But for some reason, when I realized that I was doing this to myself, it made me realize that maybe all I would have to do is to stop doing it. All of  a sudden, it made sense. ”

To be concluded tomorrow.__________________________________________

Quoted from PERSONAL STORIES in Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition. (2011). Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville. Pages 120 -121.

” If I tell myself negative thoughts,  I feel negative. If I tell myself nothing, I feel nothing. So if I tell myself positive thoughts, eventually I’ll have to feel positive.

Of course, I’m still testing it out, but I feel better and for the first time in 14 years, I have hope.  It’s not that hard to find something positive about myself or my life now. So I remind myself of  something positive every day and that’s what I’m going to do until I don’t have to remind myself anymore because I’ll know.”

A Higher Thoughts for Down Days- June 30th.

AFFIRMATION

I am beginning to see that looking closely at my early life does, in fact, help me discover the reasons for some of my sadness today. With time and persistence I am going to live with even more hope and serenity.

“Then, too, damaging emotional conflict persists below the level of consciousness, very deep, sometimes quite forgotten. Therefore, we should try hard to recall and review the past events which originally induced these conflicts and which continue to give our emotions violent twists, thus discoloring our personalities and altering our lives for the worse.”  Bill W., co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, in  As Bill Sees It.

REFLECTION

It is always a good idea to look at our lives and see how we have changed one way or the other over the years.  Sometimes I hope to write down as much as I can remember every year of my life. I will start today and if there is a parent or some significant other that can  help explain missing portions of my early life , then this will be a great asset in getting to know myself.  The more missing pieces that I can put together, including the oft-repeated phrases told to me as I was young, these can be an immense help in discovering who I am and why I am the way I am today.

I know all about conflict as this is often the genesis of my depression in that I have two conflicting wishes warring with each other. The greatest conflict is in myself and the way I see myself and the way I would like to see myself.

MEDITATION

God, help us find our lost memories from childhood. Let them surface gently when they can do the most good for us..

SOURCE:  Higher Thoughts for Down Days:365 daily thoughts and meditations for members of 12 Step fellowships. (1993, 1999) Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville. A Higher Thought for June 30. Page 130.

VISIT THE STORE and order online Higher Thoughts which is now   available on KINDLE. For information on other Depressed Anonymous  Publications please Visit the Store.

Well, we have become quite the observer recently of what a bird does as it is about to give birth. It waits. It waits some more. It has already fashioned a nice home for the new and soon expected occupants. .

From my front porch I am able to see my Robin friend come and go, morning noon and evening as it prepares to  watch the little ones as they pop their heads out of the small eggs. This is what mother bird, myself, and my family are waiting for. When is the big day going to happen?

Everyday as I go out and sit in the fresh morning air I see mother Robin sitting patiently on the egg(s) as  I presume there will be more than one baby Robin. I see her sitting on her eggs  at dinner time, and after supper. I remain as focused on my new friend as my Robin friend is focused on taking care of those who are to come.

To date, no babies. I’ll keep you informed.

Having a positive  focus is the  solution for so many of our life difficulties.  But for those of us who are or have been depressed, our focus centers  mainly around the hellish experience which we call melancholia or depression. Our attention centers on how bad we are, or how bad our life is or how bad life  is treating us. And since our focus is on these feelings of helplessness, morning, noon and night, so much so, that we are spending sleepless hours every night restless and agitated.

Now I am like the Robin about to give birth. I am waiting for someone, something to give me a hope  that I can give birth  somehow to a life lived with serenity and hope. I ask myself, where can I find that place in my life where hope abounds? How do I turn my hopelessness into a way out of my depression. For me personally, I think it is about focus and keeping one’s eye on the prize as they say. My focus for these past 30 years has been on a power greater than myself. I have learned that I can leave this prison of depression with work, time and a PLAN. The plan is to do the   same positive thing everyday.  Each 24 hours  is all  we  have. I use every morning reading my 12 Step readings and literature from my Depressed Anonymous fellowship. And during the day I say my Serenity prayer, which continues to keep me focused on doing the next right thing for keeping my serenity and hope alive. My focus now  is to share my personal rebirth (recovery) with all those in my life today who are looking for help,  plus that positive  focus that can carry them through every day of their life no matter what comes or what circumstance they will have to face.

You can read about these folks in  the Depressed Anonymous literature–VISIT THE BOOKSTORE.

Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition (2011) Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville. PERSONAL STORIES SECTION.

Go to a Depressed Anonymous meeting in your community.

PS.I continue to visit my Robin friend in great anticipation.