The following testimony is  part of an ongoing look inside a person who is in recovery. The Anonymous author will continue to share with us her self and her personal struggles, as well as victories gained through her belief in a power greater  than herself.

“They say avoid emotional complexities in early days of recovery. I had come to the same conclusions on my own. The worst thing on earth for me was to be pushed back into the mood swings and terrible depression, but the fact that I didn’t have a “conventional”   type of relationships did not stand in my favor. After a year in recovery I came to believe true relationships don’t have to be a strain as long as people involved in that be straight and frank.

But my non-conventional type of relationships tied in a bit with the question of “Models” and coming to conclusions  of one’s own…I didn’t have “new models” myself earlier in life, so I was at the mercy of things in   society (or unworkable things from my family background), but wrongly enough again  I was believing in unconventional  type of my relationships without pressures.  It’s possible to work out “one who really is” and what one really wants from life…to see more fully what one wants to avoid and what to cultivate. The best way to become “Full person” while avoiding pitfalls.

With me, in my own life any sense at all of an alternative Model for living really arose when I found my Depressed Anonymous meeting. Before that looking back I was always searching but inevitably perhaps I usually met up with the wrong (unstable, rebel without a cause) sort of people, so there was no one helpful to talk to.

I had faced problems …like “who am I” and “what’s the best way to live.”  My inquiring spirit hasn’t been for books alone.  I was driven to books as one way of finding answers to these bigger questions of “how to live”, it’s an ethical question, so I tended to be “a moral”  person,  but not in the usual and social or religious rules sense.

My longer family trajectory, from rural surroundings to the “big city” added to my confusions for :finding  “true model.”  It was my parents who made this (very painful, disruptive journey (they had come from rural, peasant society to the big city).

So there is this big generational difference and I personally have  had to face the kind of problems that were around here in my country in the late 2oth century, the sort of thing one can see on the Lowry’s paintings: poverty, misery, oppression.

My family always had to try to “make ends meet”.  There is not much room for thinking through one’s values, working out “who am I” in such circumstances, but miraculously Hafez (Persian poet) smiled on me. I was allowed to make mistakes, to be unstable for a time. What matters is the basic human heart, the rest of my life will be an “upwards ascent.” That is why it is better to ‘hit rock bottom’ to have the severe problems early on, then things can get better.

Life after this ‘rock bottom’ is not a bowl of cherries as they say in meetings, but it’s a damned sight better that it ever was before and one could insure against non-recurrence of more severe problems by continuing with this search for ‘change of model’, by following some kind of ‘program for living’.  May God bless us for the courage we’ve had searching to be honest with ourselves. Not many people are in our league.”

–Anonymous

We are grateful for this testimony and pray that it may touch others as it has touched me.

We look forward  to more pieces in the story that make up her journey out of the prison of depression

“When you are depressed you know that nothing in your surroundings has changed, yet for you the color has drained out of the world and a barrier as impenetrable as it is invisible cuts you off from the rest of the world.

The experience of depression is the sense of being alone in a prison.

Someone who is depressed doesn’t say, “I feel as if I am in a prison’ but ‘ I am in a prison.’

If you want to find out if someone is depressed, ask that person, “if you could paint a picture of what you’re feeling what sort of picture would you paint?  ”

Each person will give you a different image.  Here are some images that have been described to me.

I’m  in swirling water and being slowly sucked down.

I’m walking endlessly in the dark.

A drooping, dying flower wrapped in a  blanket.

A child in a dark corner facing a wall.

I’m walking along an empty road that’s going nowhere.

I’m on a quay and the last boat is sailing away. I can’t leave the shore.

I’m in  a box without doors or windows.

I’m in the center of an empty, treeless plain. The plain goes on forever and I cannot move.”

All these images have the same meaning. The person is alone in a prison.

If you asked the same question of someone who is unhappy the answer given would describe a miserable  scene but there would be no sense of being trapped and alone.

It is this sense of isolation which makes depression so terrible. As all prison warders and torturers know, complete isolation for an indefinite period will break the strongest person.

Because the experience of depression is so exceedingly painful many people call it an illness and try to get rid of it. Yet, if ever you’ve tried to help someone who’s   depressed you’ll know the depressed person, while asking for help, manages to turn aside all your efforts.”

SOURCE: Dorothy Rowe’s Guide to life.1995. HarperCollins/Publishers . Pages 78-79.

Our  spirituality is derived from a belief that the God of our understanding, or  Power greater than ourselves can restore each of us to sanity. And once we have made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God as we understood God, we will find that it is one of the most important  decisions we will ever make in our lives. I know this for a fact personally.

In the following paragraphs, Bill W., co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous provides us with some of his lived out experiences with having discovered the God of his understanding.

“Mine was exactly the kind of deep-seated block we so often see today in new people who say they are atheistic or agnostic. Their will to disbelieve is so powerful that apparently they prefer a date with the undertaker to an open minded and experimental quest for God.

Happily for me, and for most of my kind who have since come along in AA., (and now Depressed Anonymous) the constructive forces brought to bear in our Fellowship have nearly always overcome the colossal obstinacy. Beaten into complete defeat by alcohol, (or depression) , confronted by the  living proof of release, and surrounded by those who can speak to us from the heart, we have finally surrendered.

And then, paradoxically, we have found ourselves in a new dimension, the real works of spirit and faith. Enough willingness, enough open-mindedness — and there it is!”

Bill W., makes this comment in Alcoholics Anonymous:

“We have no desire to convince anyone that there is only one way by which faith can be acquired. All of us, whatever our race, creed, or color, are the children of a living Creator, with whom we may form a relationship upon simple, and understandable terms as soon  as we are willing and honest enough to try.”

SOURCE: As Bill Sees it. Pages 174-175.

“I believe that because so many sights, sounds and situations have been connected with sad feelings in my early years that today these same sights, smells and sounds trigger the same feeling in me today. It is automatic.  I have learned that over time and with  working one’s recovery program that one’s sad feelings become less and less and one’s more pleasant feelings begin to dominate.” Copyright. (c)  Higher Thoughts for down days. May 11.

Comment

I remember so well the painful feelings that accompanied my descent into that bottomless pit which we call depression. The frightening and unstoppable descent with all its pain and anxiety continued to work its paralyzing effect on my whole body. There seemed to be nothing that I could do to eradicate these feelings of “jitteriness” and anxiety. Even though there are no  such feelings as bad or good, these feelings have energy which  can produce  unpleasant or pleasant emotions. Feelings are produced by our thoughts, either conscious or unconscious, and these feelings  produce moods, which gradually effect our behaviors. So, in my own time of being depressed, what was once  my active life, suddenly turned sullen and static. I could no longer force myself to get out of bed a morning  and it was all I could do to force myself to get up and moving.

My thinking was totally barren of hope. It was gradually apparent to me that I had better do something soon, if I was to survive. It was then that I forced myself to get up, get out of bed and initiate  a walking program.  What once was no big deal in my life, namely walking, now served as the way out of my depression. In time my feelings changed from that persistent and  painful hollowness and jitteriness, to those of an inner calmness and serenity. And my thinking, now anchored by hope and a walking program that  was producing its’ positive effect with  pleasant feelings, once a normal part of my life now retuned.  I  have remained depression free ever since that time which now has reached more than thirty years. For that I am grateful to the program of Depressed Anonymous and my daily living out the  spiritual principles of 12 Step recovery.

SOURCES:    Believing is seeing: 15 ways to leave the prison of depression.

Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition.

I’ll do it when I feel better.

Higher Thoughts for down days.

    Depressed Once -Not twice. An autobiography of the  spiritual journey out of depression.

 VISIT THE STORE  here  at our website to order these and more publications    from Depressed Anonymous Publications.

“But don’t expect that one psychologist can tell you just what the trick is to get out of being depressed. There is no trick, just hard work.”

CLARIFICATION OF THOUGHT

The first three steps of the Twelve Steps  are about faith and the remaining nine Steps are all about action. One has to have faith that there is truly something bigger in this world than one’s own depression and one’s perspective.  I formerly used to believe that I was stuck forever in these moods where I just didn’t want to live anymore. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired with these feelings of despair. But now my program is a spiritual one and the spiritual way is the way out of my depression.

If I truly want to be free of my fears and anxieties, I will have to have  faith that the God of my understanding is not going to let me down.

My energies and commitment used to be directed toward finding ways to live always with the predictable and secure feelings that my sadness provide.  I am working another program, one which will help me find a way to live a life filled with serenity and hope.

MEDITATION

God, help us know your will so that we may start today filled with hope.

SOURCE:  Copyright(c) Higher Thoughts for Down Days: 365 daily thoughts and meditations for members of 12 Step Fellowship groups.  (1993, 1999)  Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville.

“I have a gift to give today to someone : my experience of how I have overcome the powerful  grip of my sad thoughts and depression.” Hugh S., founder of Depressed Anonymous.

Bill W., co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous has to say about his own struggles with depression.

“I have something to contribute to humanity, since I am peculiarly qualified, as a fellow sufferer, to give aid and comfort to those who have stumbled and fallen over this business of meeting life.  I get my greatest thrill of accomplishment from the knowledge that I have played a part in the new happiness achieved by countless others like myself.”

CLARIFICATION OF THOUGHT

I am also grateful.  I have the gratitude attitude that my life has been completely turned around . I admitted that I have had a problem, that my life was unmanageable and that I intended to do something about it. This is the first time that I ever believed that I could do something about my depression. I am taking my message of hope to other fellow sufferer’s. It is heartening to me to know that even though I might have been depressed for as long as I can remember, that today is the first day of my life. Yes, there is a way out of this sadness. I am grateful for my new way of thinking and living my life.

It is one of my major accomplishments in this life to know that I have been a better and happier person by my continual efforts to be grateful for everything that God gives me. I thank my God, as I understand him, for the ability to do better at living, one day art a time.

MEDITATION

God, please give me the ability to know you and love you and increase in me the attitude that I will and can trust you more with each new day.

___________________

SOURCE:   Depressed Once-Not Twice: The spiritual autobiography of the journey out of depression. Hugh S., Depressed Anonymous Publications. 2002. Louisville.

   Alcoholics Anonymous: The story of how men and women have recovered from Alcoholism. Alcoholics Anonymous, World Services, Inc. NY. 1955.

Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition. (2011) Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville.

Our Family of Origin

In order to make a good inventory (See Step Four ) I need to go to my roots  and discover how I came to be the person that I am today. As the saying goes, “We are  our parents.”

When we were small we “swallowed” our parents, meaning “swallowed” their main personality characteristics. Even today parents, grandparents, a stepparent, or guardian are all now part of our personality – for good or for ill.  For myself to escape from my depression  I need to discover how I might have received certain messages about myself from those adults who surrounded me as a helpless infant and child. All of us have received messages as children – some helpful and others not so helpful. Some messages directed toward us might have made us feel worthless because we got the message that we could never do anything to please others. ”

———————–

SOURCE: (c) The Depressed Anonymous Workbook. (2002) Depressed Anonymous Publications. L:ouisville. Page 29. The 4th Step: Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves. 

These  were some of the first words  to enter my mind as I  found myself dragging my body  through, what felt like a  deepening swamp of mud. My whole physical self gradually came to a standstill. It was like my motor had run out of gas. I was stuck. Swallowed  up with inertia. I couldn’t move. I didn’t have the will to move. It seemed that the message sent from my brain “let’s get moving” never reached my feet.  Somewhere, somehow, the line was down. The power had been turned off.

What happened? Well, in short, I would say that my brain was telling my body that it was no longer able to motivate any sort of activity throughout the system. No alien force had reduced my efforts to rubble.  No power outside of me turned off the juice.  I did it myself. Yep, you got it right. I pulled the lever and it was dark. I was alone.

Then the following thought came to me that something serious was taking place in my body. But what?  It all happened so gradually. Almost imperceptible. I wasn’t aware of any physical changes except that all of a sudden I couldn’t get out of bed and I felt miserable inside. Hollow. Empty.  Jittery. The dashboard of my life showed an empty gas tank. I was out of energy. Now, what do I do? And here is what I did.

Every morning I forced myself to get out of bed, put on my gym shoes,   force myself into the night air and start walking. I did this same routine for two weeks. Five miles at a time.

All I knew was that I had to move my body–and maybe I thought,  this awfulness inside of me would disappear. All the while I kept my job–just doing that familiar chore gave me a reason to get up. I had to eat. I had to get past whatever was chewing up my will to do just about anything. I would come home from work and go to bed. That was 5PM in the evening. And like Sisyphus pushing the rock up the mountain, I would do this routine all over the next day.

And so to cut to the chase,I discovered a word that had previous to this life changing moment, meant nothing to me.  I discovered that I was depressed.  I was more than just feeling sad. I was flattened.  It was amazing to me what a mind, filled with fear and shame could do to the body, and I was  totally unprepared for its unrelenting assault. All motivation to do anything was gone. My will power was not a match for the force that had me paralyzed. But the one thing that I figured out for myself that I thought might free  me,  was to at least get out of bed and force myself to move.  And yes, that did get me to a point that began my recovery.  It made it possible to at least move my body and spark up the neurons in my brain to keep me walking  from the minimal power of a single spark plug.  All of this is to say that just like the alcoholic who decides, just for one day at a time,.to keep from drink,  at the same time starting a recovery program of the 12 Steps and with the support of a fellowship (mutual aid) group, I began to look at my life by taking an inventory of my past life. I wondered if the way I thought about myself, others and my world had anything to do with my depression. Was it my continued negative thinking about the way my life had run out of steam and burnt out the cells of my brain? Had the recent and continued rumination about my own shame and guilt about the way I felt I had lived my life brought me to this point. Or was it those childhood memories where others had told me I was worthless and that I would never amount to much? Or was it the fact that now in my middle age, present situations in my life wore me down by my thinking, producing  those negative feelings which constantly churned in my brain. I knew that thoughts produce feelings, feelings produce moods and moods produce behavior. So was it possible that instead of facing my fears, I ran away, and now it was time to do something about it. And so these thoughts that takes me back to the beginning of my recovery. I began to get out of bed and do something—in time my mind followed. In time and with the “miracle” of the group”  and the 12 Step Depressed Anonymous recovery program, as I call it, I am free of depression.

Read about it.

Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition. Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville.

VISIT THE STORE for literature support and discover how others have left the prison of their own depression.

Yes, you’ll make it. Don’t give up because of the pain and hurt today. Tomorrow is not here yet. Just hold on for this 24 hour period. Just continue to hang on. Keep yourself moving toward the light. The light will shine again for you. Just know and believe that you are not alone. Others are making it–so will you. Others are taking  a real look at their lives and seeing  that amidst the rubble of a painful past there is a hope shining  thru it all. Don’t give up. The best part is that there is help on the way. Now, if you are looking for help and wanting to feel  alive again – you’ve come to the right place. Every life can be rebuilt and renewed.  But let’s be honest .  This desire to feel good again and get out of this tight grip of depression — it will cost you something. It will cost you the risk of hoping that something will change for the better in ourselves. Yes, risk is the operative word here. You will have to do the same thing day after day–and that is to live only one day at a time. That means that you will have to let the dead past bury the dead past. Even though the past and what happened to us there cannot be totally forgotten,  it  must not trap us in our tracks  today–this 24 hour period.

Today we will have to live out life on life’s terms–not try to run from the pain nor deny the pain  that is there. And we need not fear the future cause it’s not here yet. We just will begin our journey with “baby steps” so to speak.

We will have a plan(one has been working its healing in millions of lives around the globe.for  decades) that if you are serious about recovery for yourself–it can work for you. We call this plan the Twelve Steps and the spiritual principals of recovery. We follow a plan laid out by those who have possibly been where you are now. We call the members of this group who follow this healing plan, the Depressed Anonymous  recovery fellowship.

In a book (Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition) written by those of us who have used this plan, and continue to use it for our personal daily recovery, and for helping others depressed, we have found a strength and a hope to live one day at a time.

If you are interested in finding out more of who we are and what we do, then please take a look at the various menu references listed here  at our Website, DEPRESSEDANON.COM.  If you would like to order our literature,  which will make available to you the reader, the way out of our prison of depression, then please, VISIT THE STORE.

R  U  READY?

Memories and mouning doves.

Today, this morning, I heard the mournful cooing of the dove. Every morning  when streets are quiet here at home, and the cooing of the dove begins at light of day  I am transported to my childhood home. This was decades ago. My home was part of a sleepy little community located in Southern Indiana. I  still remember the clip clop of the one horse ice wagon, which  would  bring  the coolness of a large block of ice to the waiting  icebox in the back of our home. The iceman would carry his burden on the  shoulder and use a large caliper shaped instrument to  carry his  frozen load.

These two memories stand out in my minds even today as I reminisce about my childhood and the very different environment that I faced then as  compared to the environment that surrounds me today,. Even today, the cooing of the dove takes me immediately back to the cooing of the doves these many decades ago. It  is a comforting sound. I feel transported the  peaceful street lined with its Oak and Hickory trees. The doves cooed until mid morning  and presented the only sounds of the early morning. Is it my own nostalgia of a childhood past, that brings all this to mind or is it the way our minds operate naturally? I know that sounds, smells and experiences of an earlier time, such as from childhood, remain with us way into  adulthood. Even the cooing of the mourning dove brings home to us an earlier day when peaceful pictures of our home  environment prompts a slide show of peace and comfort.

Are we, like the doves here today, are we mourning for a times past when things in our life were so different and much simpler?  And if depressed, do we wish somehow to return to those happier times when life was the way everyone  said it was supposed to be? A childhood filled with love, comforting relationships and all that.

I believe all of  us prefer that our lives would and could be free of the tyranny  that beset us today –namely the  pain of depression that has us down and in its clutches.  And we all wish we had a more comfortable way to escape this pain. For those of us  have used the 12 steps of Depressed Anonymous  recovery and who managed over time and with work to leave behind  the hurtful memories of the past –we  continue today  to hope for  ourselves rather than mourn the bleak days of the past.

SOURCE: Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition. (2011) Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville.