The following is a continuation of yesterday’s article, A VICTIM IN MY OWN MIND,#9 of the Personal stories contained in Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition, pages 120-121.

“Depression was something that I grew up with. I really had no idea that I had it until my senior year in college. It started with my parent’s divorce and ended with me totally losing control over everything in my life. I couldn’t decided what career I wanted, but hated every job I could think of. I couldn’t decide what city or state to live in, so I kept moving, hoping that the next place I lived in would make me happy. Eventually, I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to live or die. I cried at the drop of a hat, but still found enough rage inside to push the people I loved far away from me as possible.
I knew that I needed help. I had been to counselors on three other times in my life, but nothing seemed to work or last. This time, I have been in counseling for about two months. I was sick and tired of being like this. I wanted a life and I wanted to be happy. Every week, someone would notice a change in me, but I felt the same. Then one day while watching TV(thinking thoughts at 100mph), it occurred to me that I was making myself miserable…(See yesterdays BLOG 11/16 )
I’m slowly finding out that my life is not as horrible as I’ve made it out to be. I used to tell myself that since it happened before, it will happen again — and that simply is not true.
Yes, my past was horrible and it’s no wonder I ended up with depression. I want out of it and the only person to get me out is me. There is not a magic wand to transport you to the life you want. Everyone knows what they wish their life could be like — so do it! Make the changes you have to make, trust in God and always remember that good things come to those who wait. I’ve waited over half my life. I don’t have to be a victim of my past or of my mind anymore. I’m more than ready for the good things! With love and hope.”

SOURCE: Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition. Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville.

Years past miners took a canary with them when they went deep into the earth to dig out coal. The canary went along with the miners as a  carbon monoxide gas detector — a lethal gas. When the canary quit singing, the miners knew that the canary smelled gas  and it was time to make a quick exit.

For me, there are also certain things that warn me of dangers ahead that might  cause me to isolate, shame myself plus roll around negative thoughts in my mind which I know would gradually lead me down the path to total immobility. Now that I know the triggers which got me depressed before I can take the  necessary precautions and get busy talking to a fellow Depressed Anonymous member (sponsor), go to a meeting, do the Home Study program,  get back to exercising on a  regular basis, stay away from junk food and continue my daily living one day at a time. What are the triggers that might throw you back into the prison and immobility of depression?

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Source: Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition.(2011) Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville.

“Peale says that an addiction  exists when someone’s attachment  to a person or a sensation lessens his appreciation to deal with other things in his environment or in himself. The person  becomes increasingly dependent on that attachment as his only source of gratification. ” Source: Looking for love in all the wrong places: Overcoming romantic and sexual addictions. Jed Diamond. G. P.  Putnam’s Sons. NY

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When I was depressed all I could think about was the fact that I felt I was going crazy. I could think of nothing else other than the misery of my pain and the isolation of my self from everything around me. My feelings of depression were truly inescapable and my dependence on the negativity of my life and feelings kept me imprisoned and isolated.  And the one way that dealt a blow  to my circular thinking of doom and gloom was to force myself to get my body moving with the result that my mind gradually and slowly followed suit. It was like I was defrosting the frozen  windshield of my mind so that I could establish a way to see where I needed to go.

SOURCE: Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition. (2011) Depressed   Anonymous Publications. Louisville.

“A friend in the Program taught me to look at excessive guilt in an entirely new way, suggesting that guilt was nothing but a sort of reverse pride. A decent regret for what has happened is fine, he said.  But guilt, no. I’ve since learned that condemning ourselves for mistakes we’ve made is just as bad as condemning others for theirs. We’re not really equipped to make judgments, not even of ourselves. Do I still sometimes “beat myself to death” when I appear to be failing.”

Today I pray  that I may be wary of keeping my guilty role alive long after I should have left it behind. May I know the difference between regret and guilt. May I recognize that long-term guilt may infer an exaggerated idea of my own importance, as well as present self-righteousness. May God alone be my judge.”

SOURCE: Copyright(c)  A Day at a time. (1994)  Hazeldon

Question: Is Depressed Anonymous a class? Does someone teach this class?

Answer: Depressed Anonymous is neither a class nor does someone, such as a professional lead the group. We are a mutual aid group where each of us brings our own experience and shares them with each other. We also live our life based on the 12 Steps, the suggested spiritual principles of Depressed Anonymous.

Question: How much does it cost to join the group?

Answer: There are no fees or dues. All a person needs for membership is a sincere desire to keep from saddening themselves.

Question: Can you come to a meeting even if you are not depressed? Like a family member or a friend of someone depressed?

Answer: Yes, in fact we encourage family members participation in the group. The more we attend meetings the more likely we are to get a better understanding of the experience and nature of depression.

Question: What position does Depressed Anonymous take with regard to antidepressant Tablets?

Answer: Depressed Anonymous takes no position on medications. We are a support group which has as its base a spiritual foundation as laid out in the 12 Steps. We are not professionally led. We do not discuss topics of a religious nature which are specifically oriented to one religious faith or another. One’s personal medication regimen as well as religious preference is solely the responsibility of that individual and is not discussed in the group meeting.

Question: Do I have to give a talk if I attend a meeting?

Answer: No one is asked to say more than their first name at a DA meeting. We have all been where you have been, namely as a newcomer and we respect one’s right to talk only when one feels ready to talk. Every member of the group is given the understanding that when they have a turn to talk they can just say “PASS” and everyone is very OK with that.

Question: How many meetings will it take before I am no longer depressed?

Answer: That is a question that we can’t answer. I believe that even though my good days are now more frequent and my bad days less, I still keep coming back to meetings so as to help myself and give help to others still suffering. Our program is one that you don’t graduate from –it is a lifelong fellowship where one continues to learn that to stay well means to keep connected with the group, use the daily spiritual tools that keep us all out of the prison of depression.

Source: Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition. (2011) Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville.

1440 is the number of minutes allotted to us everyday. Every 24 hour period, one day’s worth, we are given 1440 minutes to use however we like. We can divide up the minutes so that we can work so many minutes, feed ourselves. go to a movie, exercise  or do whatever we like to do. It doesn’t seem like 1440 minutes is a lot of time but by the time we reach the age of 65 we will have been allotted 34,164, 000 minutes to do with as we choose.  That’s a lot of time to do some good.

Let’s go back to what we have today. For myself, I only have 120 minutes left in my day. And as I write this BLOG to you I realize that I am very grateful for the minutes left for me this 24 hour period. Many minutes today were spent celebrating the Birthdays of my 6 year old Grandchild and my 11 year old Grandchild. It seemed only yesterday when Leah was born. And now she is 11 years young. And Eli is six. What a age of wonderment and joy.His minutes seemed to last for ages as he expectantly waited for this, his special day, enjoying his special minutes with family and Grandparents.

I hope that your minutes found you hopeful  today. I know from my own experience that when I started on  my road to recovery my minutes always dragged on and on and seemed like hours. I felt this time warp most severely when I was in my deepest depression… the pain was forever. Everyday I had to remove the pain and I accomplished  this by sleeping. It was only when I awoke that the minutes made every one of my efforts feel  like I was in slow motion or swimming in a large vat of molasses. My  mind, my body, myself was slowly drowning and I watched myself, like a curious bystander,  powerless to give me any help.

Now with thirty years of 15 million plus recovery  minutes under my belt, living 1440 minutes a day, I am grateful that I can keep my focus on those “still suffering from depression”, and let them know that they  too have today, still have time to do what they need to do and to live with hope.

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Source: Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition. (2011).  DAP. Louisville.

The Depressed Anonymous Workbook (2001) Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville.

• The ability to deal constructively with reality.
• The capacity to adapt to change.
•  A relative freedom from symptoms that are produced by tensions and anxieties.
•  The capacity to find more satisfaction in giving than  receiving
• The capacity to relate to other people in a consistent manner with mutual satisfaction and helpfulness.
• The capacity to love.

I have an assorted number of “toolkits” that I use for an assorted number of problems if and when they arise. I have a jack for my car in case I have a flat tire. I have screwdrivers, pliers, hammers and  other assorted tools for home repairs whenever I need them. Whenever I need a particular tool for a particular job, I know where to go to find what I need. It keeps my life simple.

But now I am talking about a “toolkit” that you can use for every season of your life. Every season of our lives come with certain situations that need our special attention and  particular tools which will help us stay in good shape.  To use an analogy, it’s much like maintenance on a car at regular intervals.

In our daily 12 step program of recovery, I use certain tools from my ” toolkit” on a daily basis, such as my prayer and meditation time in early morning. I don’t argue with myself whether or not I am going to do it, I just do it! Then I read a certain passage from my Big Book, Depressed Anonymous, (3rd edition) which treats each Step with an individual chapter. And beside my Depressed Anonymous book, I have my Depressed Anonymous Workbook which asks me pointed questions about a particular Step which I might be working on that day.

In my “toolkit” there is that commitment to my physical well being where I take a long walk every other day. You know as well as I do that if we want to stay healthy, then exercise is an absolute necessity. And of course, I try and stay away from all fatty foods,  and when in season try to  eat fresh fruit and vegetables.

In order to have a “sound mind in a sound body” I watch how I talk to myself. I attempt to rid myself of all resentments (these can put us down quicker than anything). I know that negative thinking results in negative behavior. The Steps provide us with those excellent set of tools to help us look at and  dismantle the bricks in the walls of the  prison that we have constructed over the years.

I also continue to worship the God of my understanding in my particular faith tradition. Most important.

One of the powerful  tools that I use for maintenance which gives me courage, hope and serenity is to be part of my 12 Step fellowship group.which meets every week. (We are thankful that we have two  Depressed Anonymous groups in our community)

A tool which always serves me well, in good times and not so good times is to have a person (we call him/her a sponsor) who has agreed to walk with me through my living out the Steps in my daily life.

There you have it. Would you like to put together your own  toolkit? It’s not difficult to assemble. All one needs is to be honest with oneself, be open to  what you need to get right in your life, and then be willing to get started. You might want to Visit the Publications Store and read about what tools are available for you. We can  be grateful that there is a proven way to leave the prison of depression. What’s in your “toolkit?”.

Every Sunday after Church my wife and I walk home a certain way and pass a house where a dog barks at us. As we walk along the fence line, the dog continues his barking as he follows us til we leave him behind. The fence restrains him from following us further on our path. And, thank goodness, the dog stops his raucus barking.
Now, what is so strange about a dog barking? Well, actually nothing. That’s what dogs do. They bark. My wife and I just expect this dog to bark at us. And because we have to pass this house on the way home, we just know what to expect. The dog goes nuts when he sees us coming!
This past Sunday we again start the ritual, begin to pass the house, and right on schedule here comes the dog. But, he’s not barking. What? He follows us without barking. My wife and I look at each other. We both know that this dog is supposed to be barking. What happened? Amazing things do happen. We are the same people who do this ritual every Sunday. Doesn’t he know what the ritual is. All dogs know that they are supposed to bark. Not only has he lost his bark, he has also lost his identity of the ferocious dog.
I believe there is a metaphor here that we might use for our own purposes. People expect us to behave in predictable ways. People likewise respond to us in particular and familiar ways. But when we no longer respond in a predictable manner, friends wonder, what’s up with him? Who is this person who always was the “glad hand Charley” now has turned into the isolating and reclusive person who no longer wants us around.
We ourselves. myself included, have at a time in my life, lost my bark, so to speak. It was at that time that I retreated from life and took the defense of depression to lick my wounds. I constructed my own prison and lived there for over a year. My mood had become sullen and responsive to all those who wanted to cheer me up. My thinking turned to thoughts like “what is happening to me”, “who am I” “Why am I wearing this mask of Mister Happy Jack, when I am dying inside. I felt I was losing my identity as well as my purpose in life. There was no meaning to my mental, physical and spiritual life.
Today, my life does have purpose, it does have meaning. Because of losing “my bark” so to speak, I found that my life needed a change. And now, here I am trying to help others “get their bark back.” My depression experience changed my life. The “who I am” now is much different than the “who I was” before my emotional, physical and spiritual crash. I sort of hope that dog gets his bark back, because that is who he is.

Hugh

I pray everyday that who I am, and what I want is always to be found in doing God’s will—(more about this later)–and by doing that, I gradually through prayer and meditation learn about God’s will for my life. God truly becomes my light and my source of guidance.
A life model that best fits all living organisms in this universe and which all living organisms possess are these five characteristics: identity, autonomy, competency, interrelatedness with other living organisms and the ability to replicate themselves. All living organisms have these common and same universal characteristics.
Why is this relevant now? First of all, we all experience having an identity –that is, we have a genus and are part of a particular species as humans belong to the rational animal species. As a rational organisim we can make rational choices so we are the sub species. Our own name and by belonging to a particular human family gives us an identity.

The next characteristic is that we experience a personal autonomy – – this means that we are a stand-alone being–no batteries needed–we can operate by ourselves–we are not connected to another physically–excepting at birth by an umbilical cord.

The next characteristic is that we all have a certain competency –namely, we are able to think rationally–at least on most days. We all have talents and special gifts. Take our fingerprints for instance — we are so unique that our fingerprints separate us from any other human being in this immense universe. We are the only ones in the universe that have these unique set of prints. The unique and particular swirl of the fingerprint makes us unique and unlike any other rational being.
Competency is a big issue in relationships as to who I am, what I want to do and who my God is. If I feel worthless and valueless, unacceptable to myself and others then of course it follows, that I will not possess any sense of real competencies in my personal life.

The final piece that goes to make up this mosaic of who we are is that all living organisms are related to all other living organisms. We are interconnected with every other living being on this earth and what we do affects other living creatures. Case in point: In our world today with its emphasis on climate change and how everyone is in the same boat we believe that everyone needs to grab an oar and work collaboratively to see how we can all assure our common survival here on this planet earth. Pope Francis recently points out in his letter to all the people of the earth, that we all share a responsibility for our ” common home.”
It is said that if the small plankton at the bottom of the ocean would disappear, then all life that feed on the plankton, and depends on it for its own survival, they would die and the organisims that depended on the next layer of life would then die and so up the chain of living organisms that make up the vibrant life of the sea. Interesting how we all our dependent on the Plankton?
So, to determine who I am, what I want and who is my God is very much dependent on who I say I am, who I think I am with my own identity, autonomy, my own sense of competency and my ability to relate to those in my environment.
Tomorrow we will discuss these five characteristics of interrealtedness of all living organisms and compare them to what is our real self as compared to what we want to be, our ideal self.

SOURCE: Shining a light on the dark night of the soul retreat. (1999) DAP. Louisville. Page 4.