All posts by Hugh Smith

Fear, Fellowship, Higher Thoughts for Down Days, Mindfulness, The 12 Steps

I WILL CLIMB EVERY HILL AND CROSS EVERY VALLEY…

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I WILL CLIMB EVERY HILL AND CROSS EVERY VALLEY SO THAT  I MAY GET BETTER AND SHARE THE STORY OF MY RECOVERY WITH NEW MEMBERS AT MY NEXT REGULAR MEETING.

AFFIRMATION

“Admitting our helplessness, we can abandon our desperate  attempts  to control everybody and everything, and simply ‘go with the flow,’ taking life as it comes. Many people, emerging from depression or from a major trauma, do this when they decide to take ‘one day at a time.'”

REFLECTION

This is the hard part, trying to stay out of the past and avoid living in the future. It’s wise to be as aware  as I can of what is going on  inside of me and around me. One man who is a regular at our group meeting said that the trouble with those who were depressed, including himself, was that he always felt sorry for himself.  He was overwhelmed that his self-pity would never help him feel better. He’s right. It won’t!

I need to study the steps, especially Step Eleven in which it states that I should make conscious contact with God as I understand God, praying only to do His will for me. This is the letting go that will help me to relax and help me try and live one day at a time.

MEDITATION

Jesus said don’t worry about tomorrow because there are enough  worries to concern ourselves with  today.  He was right. Just keep praying that God, as we know Him, will give us all we need when we need it, and how we need it. It will all come when it is supposed to.

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SOURCE: Higher Thoughts for down days: 365 daily thoughts and meditations for 12 step fellowship groups. Depressed  Anonymous Publications, Louisville, Ky 40217.

Go to Website store for information on literature dealing with depression and the Twelve Steps.

Belief, Believing Is Seeing, Blame, Depressed Anonymous, Focus, Purpose, The 12 Steps

BELIEVING IS SEEING

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  BELIEVING IS SEEING

AFFIRMATION

I will use a notebook or my Depressed Workbook Home Study program  to chart my course, list how each day goes, so that I can repeat the feelings or thoughts that have allowed me to feel I am becoming responsible for my activities.

“”…there is one great advantage about seeing yourself as helpless and in the power of others.  You don’t have to be responsible for yourself.  Other people make all the decisions and when things turn out badly, you can blame other people. And things always turn out badly. You know this.  That’s why you always expect the worse.”  (3)

REFLECTION/ CLARIFICATION OF THOUGHT

Truly, I know  this is where the great serenity lies, being responsible for myself.  If all I did was sit around and say poor me, and woe is me, I am not only making life tough on myself but I am making life miserable for those around  me. This is why I, as a writer and therapist, and one who has been depressed, knows that it is only when I get moving, even though I felt like death that I began to get better.   No one will make me feel better. (See: I’ll do it when I feel better) I will now make myself feel better. Make up your mind to do what needs to be done…TODAY!  I want to enjoy this world. I am tired of the pain of feeling worthless. I don’t want to blame anyone for my problems because no one is making me live in the problem. I will live in the  solution from now on.  The solution for me is working the Twelve Step program.

Blame helps me to never have to look inside myself and ask myself how much of my present state of depression is due to the way I have learned to think about myself and my life? I am not in the blame game and so I am now willing to face the enemy and start the changing process.

MEDITATION

Faith can move mountains. (See: Believing is seeing: 15 ways to leave the prison of depression)  Ask and you shall receive. Knock and the door shall be opened for you. I believe this. What  do you believe?

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SOURCE: Higher thoughts for down days: 365 daily thoughts and meditations for Twelve step fellowship groups.

Depressed Anonymous Workbook

WE ARE OUR PARENTS

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” In order to make a good inventory I need to go to my roots and discover how I came to be the person that I am today.  As the saying goes, “We are our parents.”

When we were small we “swallowed” our parents, meaning “swallowed” their main personality characteristics. Even today parents, grandparents, a stepparent, or guardian are all now part of our personality — for good or for ill. For myself to escape from my depression I need to discover how I might have received certain messages about myself from these adults who surrounded me as a helpless infant and child.  All of us have received  messages as children — some helpful and others not so helpful. Some messages directed toward us might have made us feel worthless because we got the message that we could never do anything to please others. ”

See FAMILY OF ORIGIN in THE DEPRESSED ANONYMOUS WORKBOOK (P.29)  Please visit the store at DA website for more information.

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It has been said that the make-up  of one’s personality is a mix of the personal, the biological and the environmental.  As for our parents, so much of who we are can be traced back to early childhood beliefs about ourselves.  When we t reflect on  early childhood experiences are there any messages about ourselves that come to mind presently. These messages could be helpful to our development or not so helpful. Write down in your Workbook some of these reflections.

All Or Nothing Thinking, Depressed Anonymous Workbook, Fellowship, The 12 Steps

ALL OR NOTHING

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ALL OR NOTHING

“During acute depression, avoid trying to set your whole life in order all at once.  If you take on assignments so heavy that you are sure to fail in them at the moment, then you  are allowing yourself to be tricked by your unconscious. Thus you will continue to make sure of your failure, and when it comes you will have  another alibi for still more retreat into depression.

“in short, the ‘:all or nothing’ attitude is a most destructive one. It is best to begin with whatever the irreducible minimums of activity are. Then work for an enlargement of these –day by day. Don’t be disconcerted by setbacks – just start over.”  Bill W., As Bill Sees it. (p.308)

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I know  about this “all or nothing ” experience. It was really made manifest in my daily study of the Twelve Steps and writing down my thoughts in my journal. Now I use the HOME STUDY PROGRAM, which lets me go at my own speed and examine my own life in relationship to the Steps as spelled out in the Depressed Anonymous Manual and  with questions asked in the Depressed Anonymous Workbook. Together,  these really have helped me focus on one piece of the puzzle at a time. When I first entered the Twelve Step fellowship I wanted to devour everything there was to know about addictions in one big gulp.  Gradually I learned that if I took my time, read the literature and continued to use Workbook and Manual one day at a time, that my life began to have that promised serenity and a hope that continues to this day.

“I find the insights of Bill W., to be at the cutting edge of whether or not a person depressed gets better or just simply gets., that is,  gets more isolated and disconnected from life.  Many hurting folks come to  Depressed Anonymous with the mistaken belief that they are coming to a class; while there, someone will teach them about how to quickly get out of their depression. They want a quick fix and then get right back to living the way they used to – never realizing that they have to do some work on themselves if they indeed want to stay free of depression…” DEPRESSED ONCE – NOT TWICE.

Fellowship, Spiritual Heroes

WE HUMANS ARE ABOUT CREATING MEANING! IS IT TRUE THAT WHAT YOU THINK IS WHAT YOU GET?

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One of the main paths that leads out of the prison of depression is for those of us who are depressed is to begin  to believe that a power greater than themselves is what is going to set us free. Bill W., a cofounder of Alcoholics Anonymous reminds us of the reality of that power greater than ourselves.

“I had always believed in a  power greater than myself. I had often pondered these things. I was not an atheist. Few people really are, for that means that blind faith in the strange proposition that this universe originated as a cipher and aimlessly rushes nowhere. My intellectual heroes, the chemists, the  astronomers, even the evolutionists, suggested vast laws and forces at work..Despite contrary indications, I had little doubt that a mighty purpose and rhythm  underlie  all. How could there be so much of precise and immutable law, and no intelligence? I simply had to believe in a Spirit of the Universe, who neither knew time nor limitation. But that was as  far as I had gone. ” Bill W., AA. p10)

Like any person addicted to a chemical substance, a relationship or a behavior, we know that our will power doesn’t get us free. Our disabling attachments are more forceful than the power of our wills. Our will is essentially like an alcoholic’s first  drink or that first dip of ice cream. (I have an attachment to ice cream!)

All of what I have written down so far (Depressed Once-Not Twice) has to do with creating meaning. Humans have as their occupation to constantly create meaning for their lives. Whatever we do has to have meaning for their lives. Whatever we do has to have meaning. I saw that my Dad was gone, my girlfriend was gone, a ministry of 20 years was gone, friends of many years were now gone, and my role as a Christian minister were gone, and most important of all, I had felt that I had lost myself. I lost touch with my real self. I felt alone and worthless. I even had the thought that if someone were seen laughing or having a good time  –this made me angry. How dare anyone could smile while I felt so miserable, This feeling made me think that my brain felt as if it were made out of cotton. I couldn’t shove another thought into my head –not even with a jackhammer. It was as if the cells of my brain were filled to the brim.

There was nothing that I could do to shake these horrible and painful feelings. My mind like wise  was unable to focus or concentrate on anything. My memory was affected and it was impossible to retain a passage from whatever I happened to be reading. I no longer could keep my mind on anything and to read even a paragraph from a book wore me out.

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Belief, DA Literature, Depressed Anonymous, Depressed Anonymous Workbook

WE ALL HAVE COME TO THE SAME CONCLUSION: IS THERE HELP FOR ME TO RELIEVE THE PAIN OF MY________?(Please, add your own).

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For myself, I have found a way out of my pain. As I mentioned in yesterday’s blog, it’s not complicated. I found a program that is neither hit nor miss.  It is what you choose to make it. It is a steady ascent, if you will, into a life of sanity.The program of recovery lets you start at A and go all the way to  Z. It persistently confronts you with yourself, your own pain and a way to  relieve yourself of that pain–one day at a time. One step at a time. No need to rush. No need to hurry. We are now operating in God’s time.  The Twelve Steps of recovery, based on Spiritual principles, is a map that can lead you out of the wilderness  of doubt, anxiety and fear. I know. Been there. Done that. And, almost immediately following the admission that I need help in the 1st Step, we read in the  2nd Step of Depressed Anonymous, that we “came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could  restore us to sanity.”  As it say in the AA Big Book, God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?”  This Power is the God of your understanding. That isn’t complicated is it?

In the latest publication of Depressed Anonymous we read in  Believing is seeing: 15 ways to leave the prison of depression which  states in the 5th Statement of Belief that we want to “Remember that an oak tree was once an acorn –recovery begins by taking one step at a time and accepting responsibility for moving from depression into peace and serenity.”

For a personal home study program to compliment your group work you can use the Depressed Anonymous Workbook and the Depressed Anonymous Manual. You’ll be glad that you did!

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IT’S NOT COMPLICATED!

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When I was in the midst of my depression fog and looking for a way out, I thought–“hey, what in the world is the matter with me anyway.”  Since I had never felt this way in my life before it was impossible for me to make a diagnosis. I wasn’t able to attach even a  label to my situation.

All I knew was that I had better get moving–out of bed for starters. Now that wasn’t complicated. Just a simple fact that I had to roll out of bed and get moving. I did just that. I continued to do just that–day after day- just kept rolling out of bed. Anyway, after weeks of this I began to feel a tad better. Briefly. Then the fog came closing in on me–much like the  Red sea swallowing up Pharaoh’s soldiers.

Because I had already set up a Depressed Anonymous group in our community –I just hopped( I might say a reluctant hop)  over to a meeting and starting applying the spiritual Principles of the Twelve Steps to my depression. I knew that worked. Joining was not a complicated deal either. Like the song “Walk right in and sit right down” tells us–that  is all I had to do. (You might want to read about my own journey in DEPRESSED ONCE-NOT TWICE –an autobiography of sorts.)

We now have a Home Study Program  which  you can use the Depressed Anonymous Manual (Big Book) and the coordinated Depressed Anonymous Workbook to help you make your way through the fog–step by step. And, that’s not complicated either. What makes depression a complicated affair is to do nothing. Then it gets complicated.

Belief, Depressed Anonymous Workbook, Ego Deflation, Egoism, The 12 Steps

WHO IS IN CHARGE HERE, ANYWAY?

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“The faith of my Sunday school days was gone, and the  “god of my understanding” was far off.  (But not so far as it turned out).  It stretched me to even imagine ” a power, a strength, and I became unwilling to take this route. I wasn’t ready to take on God yet.

However, God was ready to take me on, for in my ignorance I’d done about all AA  (We could add DA here. Editor) asks — I had become willing. And this is how he did it. In some casual reading about seeds, this statement caught my attention: ” Science can construct a seed identical to a natural seed in every detail but one –science’s seed will not germinate.”  The words seemed to leap from the page. They demanded answers. What is the missing ingredient in the man made seeds?  Is it some dimension I don’t know about?  Is it in everything? Even people?  And then the big question. Who is in charge here, anyway?

Backed into a corner finally, by a logic greater than my ego, I conceded. Too many miracles, too much confidence, and too much evidence of a power greater than myself all around me left me defenseless. and in awe. I surrendered. And the power wasted no time in reinforcing my belief with these words from the Big Book: “We found that as soon we were able to lay aside prejudice and  express even a willingness to believe in a power greater than ourselves, we commenced to get results, even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that Power, which is God…

He is always there if I but look, feel and want him to be; my conscious contact is dependent upon my being willing.

My personal  thought about this passage is that it took a complete deflation of my ego before I said “I give up.” My life was in ruins and I had nowhere to go. No one had an answer–not even my church fellowship. (That came back in spades later). But who was able to help–it was that Twelve Step group  who said that they believed in this Power  that was truly greater than the booze, depression, gambling–insert your own addiction here–and you know what, they were right. That was more than 30 years ago.  The seed that was planted by these Steps has now produced in my life that is lived one day at a time.

SOURCE: The Depressed Anonymous Workbook, Depressed Anonymous Publications. (Question 11.11 in STEP ELEVEN SECTION. Louisville, KY  40217.

Fellowship, Hope, Victim Thinking

I BEGAN TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HOW I FEEL, THINK AND BEHAVE. I AM NOT A VICTIM!

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” You  might now be feeling better for the first time in your life as you continue to make a conscious effort to take responsibility for your sadness.”

I began to take responsibility for how I feel, think and behave.

REFLECTION

One of the hopeful sights to see at a Twelve Step meeting is that the people who work their program and who are serious about leaving their depression start to not only look more content with themselves, their world and their future, but they also seem to be enjoying life once again.

Teresa told me that her Doctor never once said she was depressed after her physical exam and it wasn’t until she got involved in therapy with me did she learn that what she had  been feeling for months before was her depression, She was relieved to know that she wasn’t losing her mind but only that she was experiencing the excruciating sadness that we all create when  we get depressed.

She will feel better when she learns that it’s her life and the way she chooses to interpret what happens to her is also her choice. Misery is an option and if she wants  to go for that she may, but if she wants to live with  some unpredictability in  life, then she needs to get ready for some bumps in the road  – but also she needs to be prepared to smile, laugh and know that her life can be filled with hope.

 MEDITATION

God please give us the wisdom to know that you want us to enjoy this life while we are here. We want to to enjoy it, so let us seek to want to be in your will. We can make it.

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I GET IT!

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When I first joined the fellowship of the 12 step program of recovery. I really didn’t “get it  All I knew was that my life was in pieces and that I came to the 12 step group to see if I could put all the pieces of my broken world back together again. Well, it really wasn’t me alone that was putting everything back together. I knew it was my responsibility to  do all that I could to measure the work to be done and then get it done. I had lots of help. Lots of supportive people who saw me through the times when I didn’t get it. I especially didn’t get the surrender part to this Higher Power. But  after my prayer and  reflection time I realized that just by walking through the fellowship door for the first time that I was “:getting it.”  Just admitting that I had nowhere to go but up was a real  big step for me. Now after “still getting it” I am able to help others “get it.”  Our program takes time and it takes work. But it’s taking one piece, one shard at a time. By the time that we worked through all the steps, embedded ourselves in a loving fellowship,  plus admitted that there is a God and it isn’t me, good things happened for me. That was more than 30 years ago and I am still “getting it.” Get it?