A common question in other 12 step fellowships is “Are you willing to go to any lengths to achieve recovery?” When thinking about willingness and my depression, I don’t know how well this applied to me. I mean, if I had the willingness to go to any lengths when I was in my deepest darkest depression, I would have just hopped out of bed, embraced the day, and ran a 5K! But that is not how it worked for me!
When I was in the depths of my depression, my willingness had gone out the door. “What was the purpose anyway?” I thought. I didn’t think I could get any better. But Depressed Anonymous showed me that there is hope, and there is a way out. For me, that path to recovery has been a series of baby steps. After coming to meetings, I saw people who were like me; people who really suffered from depression, and I saw that they were recovering. Once I had the realization that there was hope, I needed to ask myself a question. “Just for today, am I willing to take a baby step to help myself recover from depression?”
This was something that I could comprehend and that I thought might be possible. Yes, I can take a baby step and get out of bed. Yes, I can take a baby step and call someone from the fellowship. Yes, I can take a baby step and order the literature, then take another baby step and read a page of the literature. I can answer one question in the workbook today. Yes, I can do one little thing to help myself today!!
That is how my recovery began. That is how I climbed out of that 80-foot hole of depression-one baby step at a time. And the beautiful thing is that I don’t have to do it alone! Honestly, I don’t think I could have done it alone. I tried for years, and although I met with sporadic success, I inevitably fell back into that pit of depression. Today I have the DA fellowship surrounding me. I have a Higher Power. I have a sponsor and friends in the fellowship who help me along my path. I am also here to help others on their path to recovery. Today, I am grateful for the willingness to take baby steps.
Category Archives: Stinking Thinking
Unhelpful Comparisons vs. Helpful Comparisons
We’ve all fallen into the trap of comparing ourselves to others. This is a losing game if there ever was one. You don’t know the struggles that the other person has gone through to get where they are now. Comparing yourself to others in an attempt to boost your own self-esteem degrades the other person’s worth. These are unhelpful forms of comparison. These forms of comparison create suffering in yourself and others.
Don’t compare your insides to somebody else’s outsides.
Slogan heard at a recovery meeting
What then is a helpful comparison (lessen the suffering in yourself and others)? The best way is to compare your current self and situation to an earlier incarnation of yourself. Have you improved or have you gotten worse over time? This is a comparison that provides you valuable information about yourself. This type comparison can show you how you have improved over time, that you are not stuck and stagnated in your present state. You do change, even if that change is slight.
To overcome the challenge of managing your depression stop comparing yourself to others and begin comparing yourself to your past self.
For further information on this please watch Dean Furness’s TED Talk To overcome challenges, stop comparing yourself to others on YouTube. https://youtu.be/IOrmS8vJDQw
Yours in recovery, Bill R
DA fellowship as my scaffolding
Some great advice I got from my sponsor was to “find my help and use my help.” Often times my help comes in the form of DA members. Over the last two years I’ve spent time at meetings and on the phone in between meetings with members of the fellowship, and they have become an important part of my recovery. I have built up a network of people around me, much like one uses scaffolding to build a new structure. I have been built anew by the steps and the help of the DA fellowship. Now, when life presents me with problems and struggles that previously felt unmanageable and too overwhelming to deal with, I have a support structure in place that I can lean upon. I have found my help and now I know how to use that help. All I have to do is pick up the phone and reach out to my DA fellowship. Through their help, the help of my Higher Power, and the steps, I will be guided to sanity and solutions.
Letting go of good and bad
Why would I want to let go of good and bad? Do these words help when you use them to describe yourself?
I know that for myself when I label myself bad I tend to classify myself as bad to the core, beyond any hope of redemption and healing! When I label myself as good I either think of myself as being beyond reproach, or I don’t believe the statement.
What about using them when to describe others? Well when you label someone as good aren’t you putting them on a pedestal? When you say someone is bad aren’t you reducing their worth so that they are beneath you?
Are these judgments worth making? Do they put us into a place of calm and serenity, or do they place us into a negative dark place? I say the latter.
OK so then how can I modify my language to not fall into that trap? If I must use those words I will say something along the lines of: ‘Their behavior was bad.’ Significantly less judgment and baggage with that statement!
What about when I want to apply those words against myself? I prefer the terms helpful and unhelpful. They carry far less judgment.
- Helpful – those things that I think, say, or do that decrease suffering in myself or others
- Unhelpful – those things that I think, say, or do that increase suffering in myself or others
A synonym for these would be skillful and unskillful.
Let go of judgment, that realm belongs to God. Humans can judge but it may not be the most helpful thing that we can do.
Bill
Keeping my Higher Power Highest
Throughout my life, different things have been my Higher Power. A certain job that I loved and prioritized above all else, or the person I was dating. When I was in active addiction, different substances were a higher power. Before recovery, the looming black cloud of deep depression was a higher power.
Once I got into recovery and the steps, I was encouraged to find a true Higher Power, or God of my understanding – a Power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity. In other words, Step 2. I can honestly say that after many months of praying and working the steps, this Power relieved me of the obsession to drink and helped me to recover from the hopeless dark pit of deep depression.
My challenge today, now that I am not in that deep dark hole of depression, is to keep my Higher Power the highest priority in my life. For example, I recently started a short term job in a field that I am very passionate about. It has been very demanding and time consuming, and I’m finding that this position is consuming my thoughts, actions, and life. When I talked to my sponsor about this, she asked “So, has this job has become your Higher Power?” I realized she was right! Where was God in my life? In my thoughts? How can I be working Step 3 if I am not cognizant of my Higher Power and turning my will and my life over to His care? I realized this job had become my priority in life, instead of my Higher Power and my recovery. I am grateful for this reminder, so that I can get back on track. I know that when I don’t place my Higher Power and my recovery first in my life, I start to slip back into old thinking patterns and old behaviors, which for me will lead me back into depression.
Thank you, God, that You are always there for me, ready and willing to help me, no matter how many times I stray.
Roadblocks and pitfalls in recovery
I think sometimes people have the idea that recovery is a straight line angled upward with a positive slope. For me, that is not the case. My recovery is a conglomeration of sine waves, bumps, upward swoops, pot holes, and squiggly lines. Overall, it does have a positive upward slope. In other words, as the promises state, I have more good days than bad. Today, I have many more good days than bad.
But what to do on those bad days? That is the question. How do I navigate recovery when I am in a downward slope, have a roadblock or a pitfall? How do I get through this period of mild depression?
First of all, I remind myself that This too shall pass. It may sound cliché, but it is true! If I am having a difficult day, I do not have to let it become a bad couple of days or a bad week. I do not have to let it go to a moderate or severe depression. Sometimes I can even limit it to bad moments. The point is, this depressing feeling will not last forever. I do have a choice to realize that it is temporary, to do something about it and not let it take over.
So what do I do about it?
The program gives me tools. It’s up to me to use them. Sometimes I have to pray for the willingness to use them. The willingness to help myself undepress myself and stop being a victim. When I’m in a pitfall, I feel alone and isolated. That is my disease talking to me. The reality is that I’m in a program with people who understand me and care about me. I can reach out to them and be honest about how I’m feeling. This simple but sometimes difficult action really does help me a lot. By telling on my feelings, I feel less isolated and more connected to others. Another thing I do is journal to my Higher Power. I tell my Higher Power what I’m thinking and feeling. Sometimes I follow it up with journaling from my Higher Power to me. This is the voice of truth. This helps me to contradict those negative thoughts and see the truth as my Higher Power sees it. When I’m in a slump, I’ve learned that it’s okay to be in a slump and to be kind and loving with myself through this period. I’ve learned that my recovery is not a straight line upwards, and that it’s okay for me to have some squiggly parts and bumps in that recovery journey. I can learn to give myself that same love and compassion that I would give another struggling person. Another tool I like to use is the “way to go self” list. When I’m in a slump, I focus on the negative, specifically those “I’m not good enough” statements. I neglect seeing my positives. So I make a list of my assets or those things that I am doing well, or those things that I am accomplishing. And I’ll give myself double stars for doing something positive when I don’t feel like doing it – because that is extra difficult for me! So by making a point to look at the positive things I am doing, it helps me gain clarity and see the positives.
To sum up, bumps in the road of recovery are part of the process for me today. It doesn’t mean I’m bad or need to shame myself. It means that life happens, and now I have an opportunity to use the tools this program gives me – IF I choose to do so.
Stacy S
Unsocial Distancing
NOTICE: Whenever a blog post mentions an online meeting be sure to consult the page Online Depressed Anonymous Meetings for the most up to date and correct information. If the blog post is more than a few days old there is a chance it could be incorrect.
The pandemic is over for most of us as are the mandatory “lockdowns” and “wearing of masks” protocols.
Social distancing has always been part of my daily life when I was depressed. The “lockdowns’ just continued to push me further down onto the pit. Now that we are free to move around and do all those normal things that were familiar to us in pre-pandemic times my normal thing was unsocial distancing. I spent my time isolating myself from family and friends. If a family member tried to get hold of me, I would not answer the phone. I could put on a fake smile at work, but all was back to my unsocial distancing as soon as I got home from work.
In order to have hope, I make sure I attend a virtual Depressed Anonymous meeting. I make sure I step up and share my lack of hope and frustration with my fellowship group. In time, I am finding with group support, that my unsocial distancing is gradually lessening.
Now I have a “red flag” come up in my mind when I want to go home and sleep, hide and not answer the phone. The old mantra “I’ll do it when I feel better,” is ignored. I talk and share in the group and/or with my sponsor those unsocial thoughts pushing me to withdraw and isolate, behind the invisible prison bars of fear and anxiety. Go ahead–get social!
Now is the time to build a bridge –form new friendships –find hope. It’s as close as the keyboard in front of you.
Go to our website depressedanonymous.org, click on the menu MEETINGS and click on Virtual 12 Step Depressed Anonymous Meeting “Journey of Hope” at Skype://join.skype.com/ a link will be provided for you to enter a meeting. )
Hugh
IMPRISONED
SOLITARY CONFINEMENT
You laughed at my weakness
– as I feared to show them.
You trampled on my dreams
– so I dreamed alone.
You were too busy to listen
– so I never spoke.
You handled my secrets indiscreetly
– so I ceased to share them.
You were insensitive to my needs
– so I hid them from you.
You never seemed to understand
– so I stopped trying to communicate.
You hurt me by your indifference
-so I bled inwardly.
You wouldn’t let me near you
-so, I kept my distance.
You cared for my physical needs
– so my soul became imprisoned.
You drove me into myself
– so now I am imprisoned.NOTE: This poem was written by Val, a client of Dorothy Rowe.
Dorothy Rowe: The way out of your prison. Second Edition, Routledge and Kegan Paul. 1996. London and New York. pp.15-153.
To keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insanity
Maybe and maybe not! We use this slogan many times in our recovery groups, thinking the statement to be true. For example, to keep missing our recovery meetings week after week may result in a possible relapse. I believe this to be true! Insane? It is definitely not helpful when one is trying to find sobriety or a way out of their depression
For the depressed to isolate oneself from family, friends and the world, is to gradually move self into a deepened mood of sadness and ultimately depression. The isolation is not going to defend the individual from depression but is only going to make it worse.
To look at the slogan from another angle is to find that the statement is false. In fact, to keep going to meetings week after week or more often is doing the same thing – expecting different results. By doing the same thing over and over again, in this case, the different results are a strengthened recovery with hopefulness coupled with serenity.
This group gave me my voice back
There were times when I wanted to talk to someone about what was happening in my life – but I didn’t even have a name for whatever it was that had me totally immobilized. What could I tell my friends – that I felt I was losing my mind. Some mysterious cancer of the brain maybe? I was definitely scared. The more stuff that I read about the symptoms the more confused I became. Whatever it was I knew that I needed help. Go to a doctor? Talk to a counselor? I felt so alienated, from my self, family and friends. I had hit the wall.
Like others with whom I later became became acquainted, it gradually came to me that I must be depressed. I had most of the symptoms: I lost my appetite, I felt shame that I was unable to help myself. I did manage to hold down a job, but my main thing after work was to go home and sleep it off. I lost my ability to concentrate, plus my memory seemed to be on the blink. I didn’t answer my phone, skipped business appointments and just rather not be in touch with anyone and everyone. Most of all I was very angry about something that clearly made my life miserable, hopeless and out of my control. I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning – why, because my life was now without goals, purpose and meaning. My own isolation from everything that I once valued and dear to me was gone. In a sense I had lost my voice to ask for help.
I got a phone call one day – a work buddy asked me to attend a meeting with him. I asked, “What kind of meeting?” He just said something to get you moving again. I agreed, but only for his sake did I agree to go with him. By this time I realized that I was depressed – I knew what I had – or what had me. And if you are presently attending Depressed Anonymous meetings you know what I am talking about.
Not til after a few more meetings did I feel comfortable in this group. But it was only after more meetings was I willing to share my own story. You know, the before (how it was before recovery) and the after (how it is now that I am in recovery, have my own sponsor and go regularly to meetings). I felt I had to speak. I needed to get it out in the open. I told my story how I was a veritable wreck during my struggle and inner battles with depression. And then how I came to this fellowship and became a new person. The key that unlocked my prison was this group of men and women just like myself – and a God of my own understanding who I know loved me and was with me all the time.
With my voice back and no longer all alone I am using it now to encourage others who come to our meetings – to keep coming back and using the tools that we freely offer them. They will be another voice added to the many who are today sharing their hope, strength and experiences. If you are brand new they will be wanting to tell you about it!!
A Depressed Anonymous Member