We can give people the gift of their dignity. We can help others just by the way we listen to them and speak with them. We can show them by our own trust that what they have to say is important and good.  Community is caring for people, but of course as soon as we start caring for people, we know that there are some  people who will just drive us up a wall. Some we will really like, because they think like us. Then we risk falling into a world of mutual flattery. We are all so much in need of affection that when somebody gives it to us we want to hold onto it. Then we say to the other  person, “You’re wonderful! Keep at it! Keep flattering me! You know, it’s nice.”   We’re like little cats who need to be caressed. We then begin to purr.”

But flattery doesn’t help anyone grow. It doesn’t bring freedom but rather closes people up in themselves,. We are attracted to certain people, and others put us off. We don’t get on well with them. They trigger off our anguish. Perhaps they remind us of our fathers and mothers who were to authoritarian or possessive.  Some people threaten us, others flatter us.  Some meetings are joyful, and others are painful.  When we talk about caring for people, then we  begin to see how difficult it can be. In community we are called to care for each member of the community. We can choose our friends but we do not choose our brothers and sisters; they are given to us whether in family or in community.”

-Jean Vanier : (Copyright) FROM BROKENNES TO COMMUNITY. (1992) Published by  Paulist Press. Page 38.

Comment

One of the great situations that arise in a Depressed Anonymous meeting is how we find ourselves reacting to fellow members in the fellowship. Vanier is right when he tells us that  sometimes certain people remind us of  people in our lives, past and present who irritate us no end  and make us want to scream. But there are those in the group that are attractive to us for reasons of being like us.   They are kind and loving like ourselves (we say to ourselves,  regardless if true or not).

The group process is one of discovering more about ourselves than learning about the others in the fellowship. If there is someone in the group that especially irritates could it be that they have struck a nerve in your own character and personality. Usually this is the case. Is it that we are looking in a mirror?

Well, you get the drift.  Read our Depressed Anonymous book and there you will find various avenues which can and will lead you to your best self. You will soon realize that somehow, you and I have been the cause of our depression. Now wait! Don’t get all shook up about what I just told you. We are not blaming myself or yourself for being depressed. But by living certain  ways, thinking certain ways, and  by unconsciously acting certain ways thought out our lives that we have set ourselves up for what we are feeling today. Life situations come along and gradually life’s  losses push us over the precipice, spiraling us down and into an abyss such that we have never suffered before. None of us chose to be depressed. All I could do to release me from the grip of sadness was to begin to find out how I got where I did and then how to get out of where I am now. I began to have a life makeover.  I began to take  responsibility in the way I made choices. No more was I the blamer, the complainer, the victim of circumstances. And  now that I am in a fellowship, and people listen to me and believe in me I am free. I have been given tools to use to unlock my prison of isolation  and negativity and slowly find a purpose and meaning for my daily life. You can find out how to do it( makeover) for yourself. Read  on!

Hugh

Read (c)  DEPRESSED ANONYMOUS, 3rd edition (2011) Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville.

So often we depend on others liking us to have an identity. I believe they call it “people pleasing.” As long as people smile at us, greet us warmly, we are thinking we are  OK. So much in our lives, and who we think we are or who we are not, is dependent upon  others opinions of ourselves.

In our  program of recovery, it usually is our sponsor (do you have one?) who tells us the truth about ourselves. But also our DA group discussions  have those members who by sharing their strength, hope and experiences  and struggles with depression point us in  a right direction.

I remember a few years back when a member told another member that he was always saying the same thing week after week but never facing the challenge of changing his behavior. She told him that either he do some work on himself or join some other group. Ouch!  I believe that he was one of those DA cats who came to be caressed. They come but never change the way they live their lives. And yes, it’s risky to change. We never know what a change in our behavior will bring–chaos or healing.  We love to live in the predictable. The unpredictable is too frightening. But the Promises of the Twelve Steps (see Chapter 12 in Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition) give us the definite hope that if we follow the path of our spiritual program of recovery, healing with replace fear, anxiety, chaos  and isolation.

Please don’t flatter me.  Tell me the truth. I am not a cat that needs to be caressed.

Hugh

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SOURCE: Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition. (2011) Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville.KY

After experiencing, for the first time in my life, the traumatizing effects of depression, I learned some very important lessons. I would like to share a few of these lessons with you today.

First of all, I learned in a very short while the devastating effects  produced  by a sadness which sucked me down into a bottomless pit. ..a mental  quicksand.  I didn’t see it coming. All of a sudden it was there.  It ambushed me. My view of life gradually turned grey. It was if someone turned off the color. The more I attempted to figure out what was going on in my body, the more lost I became. I was lost in a desert environment without signposts as to where I was or where I was going. Besides feeling the loss of direction out of this mess, I also felt my mind was  cotton. Describing this as being in a thick mental fog would give a clearer description of what I was feeling.

Secondly, this taught me another very important lesson. It taught me that I had to take charge of what I was feeling and thinking and be responsible for whatever I had to do to free myself from the clutches of this mind numbing  imprisonment. To get right to the point I had to get to work! I had to get moving. I had to get out of bed and find a place to recharge my mental batteries. Of course it wasn’t only my mind that was seemingly frozen with this cottony fog, but my whole body  was now immobilized and incapacitated. This is why I had to move. In the time frame in which I became depressed the word depressed meant nothing to me. I had heard that so and so was depressed–well, I thought, nothing serious here. Later I heard that this person  killed themselves. I never really put together how dangerous it is to do nothing when depressed. For all of us it is good to remember that depression can be a life threatening illness if not addressed. Yes, many persons depressed will never even mention the word “depressed”  because of the stigma attached.   You will never see a cast, a broken arm or them using  a cane telling us  what is going on in their mental  suffering from the agony of mental torture.

My third point is the following: find a group where you can go and tell your story. Yes, let it all spill out. At first it might seem like you are just whining, complaining, but in reality you will  be sharing your life so that in the end you will be saving it. Because most of us living isolated  lives anyway, and most of us  unfamiliar with sharing face to face with anyone else, joining a group will most probably not be easy. Sharing a situation with others which we  feel stigmatize by  is definitely a challenge. So is our depression!

It is the “miracle of the group” where I found my own strength and the courage to  tell others–those just like myself–how I felt. It was in the context of the group where I began my work in recovering from depression. I WAS NOT ALONE!  It was my first attempt to save my life from what I felt was a hopeless life situation. I had lost all hope. I found hope with others just like myself as we climbed out of the pit of depression.  We all felt that we were in an eighty foot hole with the tools to free ourselves from the darkness and fear. We each took our small eight foot ladders, joined them together and found the way up and out of our misery.  It took time and it took work. Work is the operative  word here. If you want to really learn from this experience that you are suffering with, namely the misery and the feeling alone and frightened, then please face the hard fact–you will have to work at recovery. It is possible. I did it and so have hundreds of others. People around the world are suffering from the misery and isolation of depression. We have the “tools” to do the work of  feeling better…now, and each new day of our lives.  And if we don’t have a mutual aid group like Depressed Anonymous in our locality get online and find someone who can help. Get started today.  Force yourself to take up the phone, hit the keys and say help me. I want some hope that I can get better better too.

We want to help. Get in contact with Depressed Anonymous and ask to talk with someone. We are all volunteers and  we are all survivors from depression. Leave a message here and we will get back with you. You too will find a source of strength in the message we  will share with you.

Hugh,

for the Fellowship  of the  12 Step program of Recovery Depressed Anonymous.

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How it was before recovery and the way  it is now. Please read on.

“I had always know that I was hard on myself. I reamed myself  every time  something bad happened.  “Why can’t I find someone  to love me? ” “Why isn’t God looking after me? ”  But for some reason, when I realized that I was doing this to myself, it made me realize  that maybe all I would have to do is stop doing it. All of a  sudden it made sense.

If I tell myself negative thoughts, I feel negative. If I tell myself nothing, I feel nothing.  So if I tell myself positive thoughts, eventually I’ll have to feel positive.

Of course, I’m still testing it out, but I feel better and for the first time in 14 years, I have hope. It’s not that hard to find something positive about myself or my life now. So I remind myself of something positive every day of my life everyday and that’s what keeps me going and that is what I am going to do until  I don’t have to remind myself anymore because I’ll know.

I’m slowly finding out that my life is not as horrible as I’ve made it out to be. I used to tell myself that since  it happened before, it will happen again  — and that simply is not true. Yes, my past was horrible and its no wonder I ended up with depression.  I want out of it and the only person to get me out  is me.  There is not a magic wand to transport you to the life you want. Everyone knows what they wish  their life could be – so do it!  Make the  changes you have to make, trust in God and always remember that good things come to those who wait. I’ve waited over half my life. I don’t have to be a victim of my past or of my mind any more. I’m more than ready fore the good things! With love and hope!

-A Depressed Anonymous member

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SOURCE: Copyright(c) : Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition  (2011)  Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville, Kentucky. Pages 120-121. #9 A victim in my own mind.