Category Archives: Helpful Thinking

What is the best way for family members to help their depressed loved one?

Thanks to members of a family, a mother and daughter attending a Depressed Anonymous meeting for the first time, were given tools helping them understand their father and mother’s husband who was isolating and depressed. It was at this meeting with me after the meeting, that they discovered that the parent and daughter were both experiencing some of the same feelings as was their loved one.

It was At this juncture of our discussion together that we knew at that point that family members needed to learn more about depression.

It was there that the initial program of Dep-Anon had its origin. They saw how their loved one was isolating and resistant to any or all of our solutions or efforts to budge them into recovery. The more we cajoled them the more this made matters worse.

Little did we realize that by continuing on this path of negative emotions directed toward our loved one that this would push the depressed family member further away from us. Our efforts continued to be self defeating.

We learned a very important message: We needed to back off, take care of ourselves, learn as much as we could about depression and leave our loved one alone. We also discovered that we needed a group much like Al-Anon in nature. We figured some out and that was we had to take care of ourselves and let the depressed take care of themselves. We truly were powerless to change them. We had to learn a new way. We found it important that we ourselves use the same program of recovery as our family member uses at their Depressed Anonymous group. We call it Dep-Anon. Yes, we had now found a way for ourselves to use the same spiritual principles which the Al-Anon family uses as they start taking care of themselves and let go of trying to regulate and control a family member’s drinking. We began to understand that we must try to change ourselves first, before we try and change someone else. We must fix ourselves and learn exactly how and what depression can do and does do to our family member.

All of us, who do have a family member as part of the fabric of our lives, can now look to Dep-Anon, a 12 Step family group, formed to not only help ourselves but also for us to participate as a member of a larger group of family members, who now together are learning ways to care for themselves.
Hugh

…understand what is happening to you

UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOU

Cohen and Taylor recently surveyed the studies of psychological survival and concluded that repeated affirmation by survivors suggest the first rule of any handbook on survival : understand what is happening to you.
(Cohen, S., and Taylor, L. (1972). Psychological Survival. The Experience of Long Term Imprisonment. Penguin. p.138. )

“The same rule applies for those who wish to survive the experience of depression. Ultimately, so many depressed people, when they try to discover what is happening to them, are told that they have an illness which only a doctor can understand. Books on depression are rarely enlightening. What one needs in this situation is someone to talk with, someone who will not give advice and produce solutions, but who with help to unravel the complexities of one’s thinking and feeling and to look at possible alternatives, someone whose presence ensures that the isolation is not complete.” (Rowe, Dorothy.(1988) Choosing Not Losing:The experience of depression. Fontana. London. p.341.)

It is my belief, after these many years of being in a Depressed Anonymous group and as an active participant, I did learn that I no longer needed to be alone and isolate myself from my world, my family and friends. Over time and with the help of the group, the complexities and dead-ends of my thinking and feeling, were brought to bear, time and time again, on seeing myself in a different light. It was in the group where I learned that “free and truthful discussion is only possible between people who see each other as equal members of the human race…Until we learn to talk together without fear we shall not be able to progress in understanding the human race and the world.” p.343.

Hugh

I will keep physically fit. Exercise is my priority now!

MOTIVATION FOLLOWS ACTION

AFFIRMATION
I promise myself that I will walk today to regain a positive feeling about myself and my world.
Keep physically fit. It is a must for us who are and have been depressed. Walking not only restore harmony to the body, it likewise restores my self-esteem and self confidence. Remember that motivation follows action.

REFLECTION
How can motivation follow action? Isn’t it the other way around, namely that action follows motivation? In a sense the criticism is true, but in another sense, it isn’t quite that accurate. When speaking about the paralysis of depression the individual’s motivation is almost completely nonexistent. That is why it is important for me, a depressed person to force myself to get moving -that’s right, force myself into an activity because even though I say “I will do it when I feel better.” I never usually feel better. So I need to find that point in my day, when I feel better and get out in the air and walk, if nothing else, it tends to distract from my wanting to sad myself.
When I take care of myself physically and begin giving myself p[permission to express my feelings, especially the unpleasant ones, I begin to speak more assertively and begin to like myself.

MEDITATION
Today, help me sort out what needs to be thrown away and what we need to keep. Help us keep those memories that had love attached to them.

RESOURCES
Copyright(c) Higher Thoughts for Down Days: 365 daily thoughts and meditations for 12 Step fellowship groups. (2002)Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville. Ky. Pages 150-151.

Copyright(c) Believing is seeing: 15 ways to leave the prison of depression. Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville. Ky. Chapter Six. Pages 33-36.

Sunny was one smart dog

NOTICE: Whenever a blog post mentions an online meeting be sure to consult the page Online Depressed Anonymous Meetings for the most up to date and correct information. If the blog post is more than a few days old there is a chance it could be incorrect.

When anyone talks about their pets, dogs, cats, birds, I am all ears. I love dogs and we sure got a good one when we got Sunny. She was barely six weeks old. She was also a Border Collie. We loved her and she loved all our family, especially our Grandchild. He was about 2 years old when he came to live with us.

Sunny took to him immediately. She would curl up with him on the couch, it was almost like she thought he was a little lamb. She also made sure no one approached him without her approval.

Sunny showed us unconditional love. This is why we love them. You can’t buy that type of love anywhere. And during this pandemic I feel that having a dog (insert your family pet here) as a family member is really a source of comfort and healing. They ARE family.

We really need each other during this most trying time in our lives. We tend toward feeling blue, and some of us get depressed because everything that we did normally is not normal now. We are self quarantined whether we like it or not. The feeling alone and isolated is like waves of grief washing over us; not just now and then – but most everyday.

I hope you who are reading this have someone, a pet, a member of the family, a DA fellowship member, anyone who is telling you with their love and presence how happy they are that they can share time with you, via Skype, Zoom, telephone, a letter or an email. Just knowing someone cares about us – means everything these days.

In our Depressed Anonymous fellowship I am blessed to know that I can meet with my friends all that I like. I can meet with them when I am blue and they can call me when the isolation is getting too great for them as well.

Contact us at https://depressedanonymous.org and let us know how you are doing today. We’d love to hear from you.

Powerless does not mean No Power

People get hung up on the word powerless.

powerless –

  1. devoid of strength or resources
  2. lacking the authority or capacity to act

Source: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/powerless

Personally I don’t believe that I have NO POWER. Instead I have less power than the average healthy person. There are things that I can do to help manage my disease. OK, so I know I don’t have all control (100% control) and I believe that it’s not a case of having no control (0% control), so I’m somewhere in the middle – between 1% and 99% control over my depression. Wherever I fall on that spectrum I am compelled by my Higher Power to act. My Higher Power has given me the authority and capacity to act and attempt to influence and manage my disease of depression. I may wish and yearn for 99% control over my disease of depression but wherever I am I must act. I need to get out of my familiar zone (I don’t call it a comfort zone as it is NOT comfortable), and take action.

That action could be as miniscule as bringing the dirty dishes to the sink (washing may take another burst of commitment and action), or it could be as major as cleaning out and organizing the garage. I have it within my power to take my dog for a 20 minute walk. I may not have it in me today to go on a 45 minute walk, but I can do the 20 minutes and work towards improving my mood. Progress, not perfection.

If the love of your life was sick and in bed, wouldn’t you feed them? Wouldn’t you bring them tissues? Show yourself the same compassion and commitment! You are worthy of action and of love. Love is not a feeling, it is a choice and an action. Have the courage to choose to love yourself and put that choice into action. You are worth it!

Yours in recovery, Bill R

Lemmings and their mass migration to the sea

Today we would like to share with you some thoughts about a small mouse-like arctic rodent called a lemming. It has a furry body, short tail and fur covered feet. Every now and then, the Lemmings begin their journey to the sea. It is what is called a mass migration. Ultimately, while trying to cross the sea they all drown. This mass migration occurs at the peak of population growth.

I have reflected upon this odd behavior at different times in my life and wondered about it. Why cross the sea? It’s almost like asking the question, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” At least we know the reason for the lemmings – population growth. Does that mean, apparently, not enough food for their communities? Does it mean that they intuitively know when it’s time to march to the sea. And what makes them want to cross the sea? Is it a mutual understanding that if others are to survive then many must give up their lives so that the remnants left behind can continue to propagate and flourish.

I wonder if there is a resonance in one’s mind that, like in our world today, mass migrations of people fleeing their homes , country of origin, families and friends to escape oppression, domination by groups inimical to their religious beliefs and values.

What does this have to do with depression? Well, it has much to do with feelings, at least for humans , when we lose our place of nesting, lose members of our family, our children, spouse and all those cherished familiar relationships that kept us intertwined and mutually responsible to and for in our own lives.

Mass migrations, people on the run, millions of people on the run, with their most prized treasures, their children, and family members. All they have is the clothes on their backs. And then another tragedy: food resources, lodging, a place that is no longer familiar and friendly – all these disappear and are non-existent. Because of warring groups in some nations, people again flee their farms, herds and crops and die of starvation. And combine this with climate change, many areas of the earth are flooded out of villages and their homes making it impossible to grow their own food, feed their children and families.

Mass migrations of families and peoples are fleeing to wherever there is hope of survival and stability They are hoping that someone will come to their rescue. National leaders ar finding that the mass migrations of people over their borders are either not welcomed or allowed in. Many times the refugees are treated with hatred, physical violence or both.

Large movements of people today are presenting complex challenges, which call for global action. Many migrant s arrive in developing countries, creating tensions where resources are already scarce, by the majority of about 763 million, who move within their own countries. rather than abroad.

Source: http://www.fao.org/world-food-day/2017

The World Health Organization lists depression as a major world health problem. The organization strives to help persons become aware of the life threatening challenges that face our work and our people and nations. Millions have lost families, their own national heritages, members of their own families, plus the myriad of culture changes and climate changes press down upon and impact their lives.

Even here in the Western world we live in a society flooded with gadgets, vapid entertainment, and politicians making those self serving decisions for who is in and who is out in our societies. In America it is those who are uninsured, the children and the poor who are left out, left behind and voiceless.

Resultantly why shouldn’t depression become a number one isse for all of us. Why shouldn’t this be an issue for our local communities to help others deal with their losses, lost dreams and hopeless situations. We can’t just stand by and let others fend for themselves but it is necessary that we get involved in this global, local and personal which is draining the energy and the feelings that I belong to something bigger than myself.

Can we all be there for others when we find ourselves in a sea of indifference and let “George” do it.

Here is what I recommend, get involved at a local level, get informed on people homeless in your community, the number of refugees who are looking for support, and the persons in your own family who are depressed.

#13/13. THE PROMISES OF DEPRESSED ANONYMOUS

AN EXCERPT FROM THE PROMISES OF DEPRESSED ANONYMOUS as presented in the book “I’ll do it when I feel better.” Pages 28-51. Depressed Anonymous Publications.

PROMISE #13. “Are these extravagant Promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. These Promises will always materialize if we work for them.”

The word here that catches my attention, now that we have reached the end of the Promises, is the word “work.” The word “work” is what strikes me as the most important. And we go back to where we started, namely, if we are painstaking in this phrase of our development – things will change. I think that this is what it is all about. If we continue to grow we will see that indeed, before we are halfway through, some very amazing things begin to happen. ” WE CAN PROMISE YOU THAT!

Check out the previous 12/13 Promises posted here.
REFLECTION QUESTIONS
1. Can you share when and how you became to believe that it was important to have to “work” to get out of the prison of your depression?

2. How much do you attribute to God for your ongoing recovery and your own work?

3. Please describe some amazing things that have occurred in your everyday life since being an active member of Depressed Anonymous and working the 12 Steps of recovery.

IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT! THAT IS A PROMISE.
WWW.DEPRESSEDANON.COM
EMAIL US : DEPANON@NETPENNY.NET

We would suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. (#12 Promise)

AN EXCERPT FROM THE PROMISES OF DEPRESSED ANONYMOUS
PROMISE #12

“We would suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.”
This belief is at the core of our recovery. It is precisely at this moment in our lives that we realize that somebody, someone greater than myself is guiding me. This someone is not forcing us but is guiding us through our darkness. It is lighting our path so we neither stumble or regress into our old ways of thinking and behaving. It is with this in mind that we continually redirect our attention to have that desire to do its will.

Before we discovered the program of Depressed Anonymous we were convinced that the only chance that we had to get better was to wait while the medications kicked in and then everything would be alright. But now we are certain that our ability to get well is surely based on how much we develop the belief that we can choose how we feel and think. Indeed we are now convinced that we can either sad ourselves or choose not to sad ourselves.

The community and common bonds of the Depressed Anonymous fellowship produce a feeling that just as other members of the group are recovering so can I.

We must be willing to let go of all our thoughts that tell us that we will never get well. These are the same thoughts that have imprisoned us over the years.

We now listen to the God of our understanding and proceed with the belief which we hold about the world on the outside of us and determined and governed by the world that is lived within us.

We are in a brand new way, on a new path, and find ourselves committed to a new and fresh belief that something powerful is starting to bloom inside of us. A peace that surpasses all understanding is beginning to be born when we learn to relax and wait and listen for that still small voice.

RESOURCE
(C) I’ll do it when I feel better. (2002, 2013) 2nd edition. Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville, KY. Page 50-51.
(C) The Promises of Depressed Anonymous, (2013) Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville. KY.