Category Archives: Anger

Acceptance, Anger, Anxiety, Avoidance, Blame, Choice, Denial, Depressed Anonymous, Honesty, Hope, Positivity, Purpose

DARVO, Depression, and the Erosion of Self Trust

Section 1, Scope and Intent

This article looks at a pattern often referred to as DARVO, and how it can intensify depression, anxiety, and self doubt, especially when it shows up repeatedly, or in relationships where power, safety, or dependence are not equal. My focus is not on diagnosing anyone, assigning blame, or deciding what something “counts” as. My focus is on impact, patterns, and why some interactions leave you feeling confused, ashamed, or smaller than you did before.

I am writing this for people who live with depression and find themselves repeatedly destabilized by certain conversations, particularly when those conversations involve someone they cannot easily avoid. I am also writing this for people who notice that, under stress or shame, they become defensive or reactive in ways that do not reflect who they want to be, and who want language for that without turning it into self punishment.

DARVO is used here as a private lens for clarity and support, not as a label to use in arguments, and not as a tool to prove anything.The aim is stability and dignity, a way to protect self trust when it feels fragile. You do not need certainty, confrontation, or a verdict to deserve care.

Section 2, Starting With the Lived Experience

Before naming any theory or pattern, it helps to start with what this can feel like from the inside.

You may notice that after certain conversations you do not feel relieved or resolved, but more unsettled than before. You might feel pressure to apologize or take responsibility without being clear what actually changed. You may leave interactions doubting your memory, your intent, or even your character, replaying what was said and how you reacted, trying to locate the moment where you went wrong.

For some people, the strongest feeling is not hurt but a heavier sense of being “bad,” or unsafe to be around. For others, it shows up as confusion, exhaustion, or a fog that makes it hard to trust your own thoughts. Over time, this can turn into rumination, anxiety before contact, or a shrinking of what feels safe to say.

If you recognize yourself here, you are not alone. The purpose here is orientation, not proof, so pause and come back if you need to.

Section 3, What is DARVO?

DARVO is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It describes a pattern of response that can show up during conflict or moments of accountability.

In everyday terms, it can look like this. A concern is raised, or harm is named. Instead of that concern being addressed, the harm is denied or minimized. The focus then shifts to attacking the other person’s reaction, tone, or character. Finally, the roles reverse, and the person who raised the issue is treated as the problem, while the other person may end up positioned as the one who has been wronged.

A simple example can make this clearer.

  • You say, “That hurt me, I wish you had not said it like that.”
  • They say, “I did not do anything wrong, you are overreacting.”
  • Then, “You are always so sensitive, you make everything a problem.”
  • And finally, “You are attacking me right now, I am the one being mistreated.”

What matters most here is not the acronym, but the effect. Conversations that follow this pattern often leave one person feeling confused, ashamed, and responsible, rather than heard or resolved.

A few clarifications help keep this grounded and safe. DARVO describes behavior, not a diagnosis. People can fall into parts of this pattern under stress or shame and still come back later, acknowledge harm, and repair. One instance does not define a relationship. The pattern becomes most harmful when it is repetitive and one sided, especially across different topics and over time, and it can feel even more destabilizing when the relationship involves unequal power, safety, or dependence.

DARVO is not being named here so you can confront someone with it. In this article, it is offered as a private lens for understanding patterns and impact, particularly when interactions leave you feeling worse rather than clearer. The goal is not to decide who is right or wrong, but to understand why certain interactions may be eroding your sense of safety and self trust. 

Section 4, DARVO Versus Ordinary Defensiveness

Not every difficult conversation, sharp response, or defensive moment is DARVO. People get reactive when they feel criticized, misunderstood, or overwhelmed. That is human, and on its own it does not signal a harmful pattern.

A more useful starting point is what happens after the heat of the moment.

In ordinary conflict, even if someone denies, deflects, or snaps, there is often movement back toward repair. The person may return later, acknowledge impact, clarify intent, or make a change. The conversation may still feel messy, but it does not reliably end with one person carrying confusion, shame, and responsibility for both sides.

When DARVO shows up as a repeating pattern, the topic may change, but the ending stays the same. The concern is minimized or dismissed, focus shifts to your reaction or character, the roles flip, and you leave feeling blamed or unsure of yourself. Time passes, but repair does not arrive, or it arrives briefly without changing the structure.

You do not need a final conclusion. You are noticing direction over time. Do things become steadier and more mutual, or more destabilizing and one sided.

Section 5, Why DARVO Can Land Harder When You Live With Depression

DARVO can be destabilizing for anyone. When you live with depression, it can land harder and take longer to recover from.

Depression often affects concentration, emotional regulation, and confidence in your own judgment. You may already question whether your feelings are “too much,” whether you are being unfair, or whether you are the problem. When a conversation follows a DARVO shaped pattern, it can hook straight into that self doubt. What felt confusing starts to feel like confirmation that you are flawed.

It helps to say this clearly. Depression can reduce confidence in your perception. It does not automatically make your perception wrong. You are still deserving of fairness, and a shared understanding of what happened.

There is also a nervous system component. Under emotional threat or intense shame, many people freeze, shut down, or go foggy. Words disappear, working memory narrows, and details get harder to access. Later, that gap can become fuel for rumination, because the mind tries to reconstruct what it could not say at the time. Difficulty thinking clearly under stress is a biological stress response, not proof of guilt or manipulation.

When character or intent is repeatedly questioned, the injury can shift from “I was hurt” to “I am bad.” That shift is part of the damage, and it is one reason this pattern can deepen depression. Depression can also make someone more likely to defend with denial, attack, or reversal when shame or frustration spikes, especially when they feel misunderstood.

Vulnerability to harm is not the same as responsibility for harm. If symptoms worsen after particular interactions, that may be information about context, not a personal failure. 

Section 6, When It Keeps Happening, How the Impact Accumulates

When DARVO appears repeatedly, especially alongside depression, the impact is not limited to individual conversations. Over time, it can reshape how you think, feel, and relate to yourself.

Cognitively, confusion can grow. You may replay conversations trying to find where things shifted or what you “missed.” Reflection is normal, but relentless replay drains energy rather than restoring clarity. The mind keeps searching for certainty that never quite arrives.

Emotionally, shame often moves to the center. Instead of feeling hurt, you may feel exposed or fundamentally flawed. Anxiety can rise, especially before contact. A message notification, a phone call, or an upcoming conversation can trigger a stomach drop or a tightening in the chest. Over time, the nervous system can stay braced.

Some people withdraw, speak less, or minimize themselves to reduce risk. Others become more reactive because their system is already strained. Both are understandable responses to repeated pressure.

One of the deepest impacts is on identity. When intent, integrity, or character are repeatedly questioned, the injury can shift from “that interaction hurt” to “there is something wrong with me.” This is the erosion of self trust.

Naming these impacts is not about proving harm. It is about understanding why the inner world may feel more fragile than it once did. The argument ends, but the self doubt stays.

Section 7, The Feedback Loop, How Self Doubt Becomes the Outcome

When a DARVO shaped exchange happens once, it can be upsetting. When it happens repeatedly, it can create a loop where self doubt becomes the default outcome.

  • A concern is raised.
  • The concern is denied or minimized.
  • The focus shifts from the issue to your reaction, tone, or character.
  • The roles flip, you become the problem, the other person the victim..
  • Your nervous system reacts; fog, shutdown, anxiety, shame.
  • You reflexively try to make it stop, over explaining, appeasing, apologizing etc.
  • You leave destabilized, the original issue remains unresolved.
  • Rumination fills the gap, you replay it trying to recover clarity.
  • The next conversation starts with less self trust, and the loop is easier to repeat.

This is not about assigning a villain. It is about seeing how repeated reversal can train the mind and body to associate speaking up with losing your footing.

Section 8, Early Recognition Without Escalation

Early recognition is not about catching someone out. It is about protecting clarity before you get pulled into the loop.

Early signs can include

  • Your concern is not addressed, and your reaction becomes the topic.
  • You feel an urgent pull to explain, justify, or prove.
  • You notice a body shift, tight chest, stomach drop, heat, mind going blank.
  • You start fact checking in your head mid conversation, doubting your memory.
  • You feel yourself shrinking, appeasing, or apologizing just to end the tension.

Stabilizing moves can include

  • Slow down, shorten sentences, speak less.
  • Name a limit without arguing, I cannot do this clearly right now, I need a break.
  • Step away and return later with support, or do not return until you feel steady.

This is a skill, not a test. Noticing sooner and pausing sooner reduces cumulative damage.

Section 9, When You Notice It in Yourself

Under stress, shame, fear, or overwhelm, many people can slide into pieces of this pattern. The point is not self condemnation. The point is what happens next.

Depression can increase the risk of this in a specific way. When energy is low and frustration is high, small disagreements can feel like threat. If someone is already carrying shame or helplessness, accountability can land as humiliation. In that state, denial can feel like self protection, attack can feel like regaining control, and reversal can feel like the only way to be seen.

It is also possible for two people to move into this pattern in the same conflict, especially when both feel cornered. That does not mean both are equally responsible in every situation, and it does not erase power differences or safety issues. It simply means the dynamic can become mutually destabilizing, and depression can make it harder to step out of it once it starts.

Some common reflexes include denial, minimizing impact because it feels threatening, attack, going sharp or contemptuous to regain control, and reversal, positioning yourself as the injured party so you do not have to face the original concern.

A simple self check is this.

  • Did I respond to the concern, or did I make it about their tone, character, or motives.
  • Did I deny or minimize impact because I felt threatened, instead of staying curious.
  • Did I flip the roles so I became the injured party, to avoid accountability.

If any of those are true, an interrupt can be simple.

Pause. Lower the temperature. Return to the original concern. Name impact. Make one concrete commitment.

That can sound like:

“I hear you. I got defensive. I can see how that landed. I am sorry. I will handle it differently.”

If that cannot happen in the moment, it can still happen later. Repair is not self punishment, it is integrity, and it is one of the most protective moves against shame driven escalation.

Section 10, Repetition and Repair

A single defensive exchange is not the same thing as a repeating pattern. The more useful question is what happens over time, and whether repair is real.

To spot direction over time, these questions help.

  • Does the original concern ever get addressed, even later, or does it keep getting rewritten.
  • Does accountability show up, or does it consistently shift into tone, flaws, and intent.
  • After conflict, do both people get steadier, or does one person reliably end up destabilized.
  • Do apologies lead to change, or do they reset the conversation without changing the pattern.

Depression often turns repetition into proof that the depressed person is the problem, because it is already looking for reasons to believe that. Try to treat repetition as information, not a verdict. Direction is often enough to make safer choices.

Section 11, Rebuilding Self Trust After Reversal

The hardest part of repeated reversal is not the argument itself, it is what it does to the relationship with the self. Over time, the question stops being what happened, and becomes can I trust my own mind.

Rebuilding self trust starts small. Confusion, shame spikes, the urge to over explain, and the body tightening before contact are not proof on their own, but they are information. It is reasonable to take information seriously.

It also helps to separate ideas that depression loves to merge.

  • Someone can be imperfect, and still deserve fair treatment.
  • Someone can make mistakes, and still be telling the truth about their experience.
  • Someone can feel uncertain, and still set boundaries that protect them.

When spiraling starts, it can help to return to one simple line.

My experience counts, even if someone disagrees with it.

Self trust returns when choices consistently protect that clarity, especially in small ways.

Section 12, Safety and Support

If any of this is landing hard, it helps to end simply. This does not have to be carried alone. If a situation feels unsafe, physically or emotionally, safety comes first. That might mean stepping away from a conversation, reaching out to someone trusted, attending a meeting, talking to a professional, or choosing distance where distance is possible.

Support can be asked for without diagnosing anyone. Someone can speak from the “I,” what happens internally, confusion, shame, rumination, loss of self trust, and ask for help staying grounded. Another person does not need to be named for that experience to be real.

And if someone notices themselves getting defensive or reversing under pressure, it is still possible to come back later and repair. Pausing, calming down, and returning to the original concern with ownership is part of recovery too.

The point of naming DARVO here is not to sharpen conflict. It is to reduce confusion, reduce shame, and protect self trust, so that depression does not get extra leverage.

Bibliography

Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender (DARVO)
Author: Sarah J. Harsey
URL:https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/10926771.2020.1774695

The Influence of Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender (DARVO) and Apologies on Observers’ Judgments in a Sexual Violence Scenario
Authors: Sarah J. Harsey, Jennifer J. Freyd (and co authors, see paper)
URL: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37154429/

DARVO (history and definition, primary source page)
Author: Jennifer J. Freyd
URL: https://www.jjfreyd.com/darvo

Gaslight, APA Dictionary of Psychology (definition supporting memory doubt and perception undermining)
Author: American Psychological Association
URL: https://dictionary.apa.org/gaslight

The role of rumination in depressive disorders and mixed anxiety depressive symptoms
Author: Susan Nolen Hoeksema
URL: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11016119/

Rethinking Rumination
Authors: Susan Nolen Hoeksema, Blair E. Wisco, Sonja Lyubomirsky
URL: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1111/j.1745-6924.2008.00088.x

Rumination as a Mechanism Linking Stressful Life Events to Symptoms of Depression and Anxiety
Authors: Lauren C. Michl (and co authors, see paper)
URL: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4116082/

Anxiety and Shame as Risk Factors for Depression and Related Outcomes (discussion of shame concepts and depression links)
Authors: Hannah Weingarden, Tyler Renshaw
URL: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5026856/

Fear and the Defense Cascade, Clinical Implications for Understanding Trauma Related States (fight flight freeze type responses)
Authors: Kasia Kozlowska (and co authors, see paper)
URL: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4495877/

Self Compassion, Theory, Method, Research, and Intervention (evidence base linking self compassion to reduced shame and distress)
Author: Kristin D. Neff
URL: https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/Neff-2023.pdf

 

Acceptance, Anger, Avoidance, Blame, Choice, Courage, Denial, Depressed Anonymous, Despair, Fear, Helpful, Helpful Thinking, Honesty, Hope, Judgment, Pain, Purpose, Shame, Suffering

When Sadness Turns to Fire: Part 1 – Making Peace with Anger in Depression

Section 1 — Anger as a Hidden Face of Depression

Waking Into The Loop

I used to wake with a flood of feeling already moving through me. Anxiety. Frustration. A knot in my chest before the alarm finished its first ring. Most mornings I lay still, trying to will myself up while the same handful of thoughts circled. Not new thoughts. The same five to ten stories about past wrongs and past mistakes, replaying on loop. For months, this became my night routine too. Five to seven nights a week, two or three times a night, I jolted awake soaked in sweat, annoyed by the discomfort and the regularity, and confused about why my sleep was broken.

I did not know then that these were night terrors. I did not remember nightmares. I did not know the sweat on my skin was my body in a panic attack. I only knew that my sleep was shattered and that every morning started with rumination. I would revisit conversations where I had said the wrong thing, times I had acted on impulse, moments I had been treated unfairly, and I carried that heat into the day. Over time, my baseline shifted. I was quicker to get irritable and I stayed there longer. What looked like a short fuse was really a constant pilot light that never went out.

Naming And Normalizing The Anger

Getting diagnosed helped me name it. The anger I felt was not just bad temper. It was part of my depression. I learned something I wish I had known sooner, anger and marked irritability are common in depression, possibly approaching half of people with major depression. Knowing that earlier would have eased a lot of shame.

The Cycle And What Keeps It Going

Let’s look at how the cycle worked for me. Broken REM sleep left my body on alert, my mind primed to scan for threat. No wonder I woke up exhausted. Through a partial hospitalization program and an intensive outpatient program, I learned skills I had never been taught, and my medication began to work the way it is meant to work. I am practicing new habits now. I still have thoughts that pull me toward rumination, but I do not feed them for long, and they come less often. That change did not happen by accident. It happened because I learned what was happening to me and what I could do about it.

Why do so many of us feel a fire of anger beneath the sadness? For me, a higher baseline of irritability slid into frustration and then into powerlessness. Anxiety rode on top of that, and then frustration at the anxiety itself. The more often that cycle spun, the more likely I was to flip into hyperarousal, the body’s alarm stuck on high, then crash into hypoarousal, shut down and drained. Sometimes I dissociated. Often I was left with a mental tiredness that sleep alone could not fix.

These moments have roots. Rumination is not harmless thinking. It is fuel for depression. Depression nudged me toward three habits that felt like relief in the moment but kept the cycle going, rumination, isolation, and avoidance. Practice any habit enough and the brain gets better at it, including the ones that hurt. I had been reinforcing negative pathways every time I replayed an old story, pulled away from people, or dodged small tasks that felt too heavy. The cost showed up as more anxiety, lower self-esteem, and a shrinking sense of worth. None of that meant I was weak. It meant my brain and body were doing what brains and bodies do when survival mode runs the show.

What Helped And What Comes Next

The same systems that get stuck can be retrained. New pathways can be built. Skills from therapy helped me notice when my thoughts were spiraling and gave me simple steps to interrupt the loop. Medication steadied the floor so I had enough energy to practice. Community mattered just as much. In rooms where we practice honesty and mutual support, I could say, “I was angry when…,” and be met with understanding rather than shame. That is the heart of recovery for me, shared struggle, practical tools, and hope that grows in company, not in isolation.

Here is how this piece is organized. First, I will name the link between depression and anger in plain language. Then I will describe anger attacks, the sudden, panic-like surges many of us never knew had a name. From there we will look gently at the brain and the body as a map, so we know where the alarm lives and where the brake is. Finally, we will focus on treatment and day-to-day tools that lower the heat, shorten the rumination, and widen the space between spark and action.

If any part of my story sounds like yours then understand this, you are not broken. Your brain and body have been signaling distress. Learning that language is not about blame. It is about choice. With practice, the mornings can feel different. The nights can grow quieter. And anger can shift from a fire that burns you to a signal you can hear, respect, and respond to with care and skill.

Section 2 — Understanding the Link Between Depression and Anger

When I finally put words to what was happening, I learned something that would have helped me years earlier. What I was feeling is not rare. Many people living with depression also report persistent irritability or anger, and in some large clinical samples it appears in roughly half of those in a depressive episode. Knowing that does not mean anyone is failing at recovery. It means we are noticing a common part of how depression can show up.

What anger means inside depression

Depression is not only quiet sadness. It can look like impatience, restlessness, a quick snap in the voice, or a low boil that never fully cools. Clinicians often call this irritability, a lowered tolerance and faster trigger for frustration. The DSM lists irritability clearly for children and teens, and many adults with depression report it too, so clinicians take it seriously in adults as well.

Anger can also be protective. Sometimes the brain reads hopelessness or shame as threat, so the body brings up anger as a shield. That does not make anger wrong. It makes it a signal, the nervous system’s way of saying, something feels unfair or unsafe.

Why sadness and anger feed each other

Think of a pressure cooker. Low mood and low energy keep a person quiet, so pressure builds. Then a small spark sets off a burst. Research on emotion dynamics shows that when the system is strained, feelings stick around longer, and reactions grow bigger than the moment. 

Add self-critical thoughts or perfectionism and the loop tightens. The anger turns inward, I am furious with myself, or outward, why can nobody understand, and both routes deepen guilt, withdrawal, and more depression. This is not a character flaw. It is an overloaded alarm system doing what overloaded systems do.

Common fuels for the burst

Poor or broken sleep, missed meals or blood sugar dips, pain or illness, alcohol or caffeine spikes, conflict that is not repaired, too many open tabs and no recovery time. On thin-energy days, any one of these can tip the system from quiet to hot in seconds.

How the body carries it

Here is a tiny map you can keep in your pocket.

Hyperarousal means the alarm is high, heart rate rises, breath shortens, hands feel warm, jaw tightens, thinking narrows, voice gets sharp.
Hypoarousal means the system crashes, energy tanks, limbs feel heavy, focus blurs, you go quiet, numb, avoidant.

Learning these body states helped me notice earlier and choose a different path sooner.

Try this now, 30 seconds
Feel your feet on the floor. Breathe out slowly for six counts. Name three colors you can see. Name two sounds you can hear. Touch one textured object. Your body learns safety from repetition.

Everyday life when the baseline is depleted

On a thin-energy day, small frictions hit like sparks on a dry fuse. A curt email. A dish left in the sink. Traffic that keeps you ten minutes late. A childcare pickup snafu. None of these are dramatic on their own, but when the baseline is already low, the reaction can feel bigger than the moment. That does not mean you are dramatic. It means the circuit is overloaded and your body is trying to protect you with the tools it has.

Sometimes these surges arrive as anger attacks, short bursts of overwhelming anger that seem to come out of nowhere. A small frustration, a sense of being trapped or misunderstood, or a sudden spike of shame can flip the body into “fight mode,” flooding you with adrenaline. You might feel heat in your face, tightness in your chest, trembling, a racing heart, or a kind of tunnel vision where it is hard to think clearly and all you want to do is shout, slam a door, or make the feeling stop. 

Often, the attack is followed by a crash, guilt, or exhaustion, which can feed the depression and self blame. Naming this pattern does not excuse harm, it gives us a map of what is happening inside so we can plan a safer route, learn earlier warning signs, and choose different actions next time.

Two quick snapshots, same loop

Outward route: A terse message lands, my chest tightens, my voice sharpens, I defend before I connect, afterward I feel guilty and drained.
Inward route: I forget a small task, shame floods in, I call myself names, I go quiet and avoidant, afterward I feel small and tired.

Different routes, same loop. Guilt rises, withdrawal grows, mood drops.

What this means for recovery

If you have felt this, you are not broken. Your brain and body are signaling distress. Recognizing that is the first step to loosening the link between sadness and anger. The same systems that get stuck can be retrained. Skills can interrupt rumination earlier. Medication can steady the floor so practice is possible. Community matters. Saying this out loud in rooms where honesty and mutual support are normal turns anger from a secret flaw into a signal we can work with, together. Understanding anger does not excuse harm. It gives us earlier choices to prevent it.

Mini-FAQ

Isn’t anger just my personality
Depression lowers emotional margin and makes anger more frequent. As mood improves and skills grow, the heat often lowers too.

Can meds make irritability worse or better
Some people feel relief with the right medication, some feel jittery on certain doses. If irritability rises, tell your prescriber so the plan can be adjusted.

What if I mostly feel numb, not angry
Numb can be the shut-down side of the same system. Grounding and gentle activation skills help widen that narrow window.

Reflective prompts

  • When does my anger most often show up, mornings, late afternoons, after conflict, after poor sleep?
  • What helps me catch the first 1 percent of heat, a phrase, a breath, a body cue, a pause I can practice?

References for Section 2

  • Judd LL, Schettler PJ, Coryell W, et al. (2013). Overt Irritability or Anger in Unipolar Major Depressive Episodes. JAMA Psychiatry, 70(11), 1171–1180. https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/fullarticle/1737169

  • Fava M, Rosenbaum JF, Pava JA, et al. (1998). Anger attacks in depression. European Archives of Psychiatry and Clinical Neuroscience, 248(5), 231–239. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9809215/

  • Perlis RH, Smoller JW, Fava M, et al. (2004). The prevalence and clinical correlates of anger attacks in unipolar versus bipolar depression. Journal of Affective Disorders, 79(1–3), 291–295. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15023510/

  • Perlis RH, Fraguas R, Fava M, et al. (2005). Prevalence and clinical correlates of irritability in major depressive disorder, a preliminary report from STAR*D. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 66(2), 159–166. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15705000/

  • Fava M, Tossani E, Sonino N. (2018). Irritability in major depressive disorder, prevalence and clinical implications. CNS Spectrums, 23(5), 378–384. https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/cns-spectrums/article/irritability-in-major-depressive-disorder-prevalence-and-clinical-implications/4B7D0B5B03F2D1AD16F01E0F6C6B6D39

  • Stringaris A, Vidal-Ribas P, Brotman MA, Leibenluft E. (2013). Irritability in youth and adult depression, a common phenotype. American Journal of Psychiatry, 170(10), 1041–1052. https://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/appi.ajp.2013.12070939

  • Kuppens P, Sheeber L, Yap MBH, et al. (2012). Emotional inertia prospectively predicts the onset of depressive disorder in adolescence. Emotion, 12(2), 283–289. https://ppw.kuleuven.be/okp/_pdf/Kuppens2012EIPPT.pdf

  • Bylsma LM, Taylor-Clift A, Rottenberg J. (2011). Emotional reactivity to daily events in major and minor depression. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 120(1), 155–167. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21319928/

  • Beck AT. (1976). Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders. Basic Books. https://archive.org/details/cognitivetherapy0000beck

  • Tangney JP, Dearing RL. (2002). Shame and Guilt. The Guilford Press. https://guilford.com/books/Shame-and-Guilt/Tangney-Dearing/9781572307598

Section 3 — Anger Attacks: When Emotion Breaks Through

Sometimes that signal does not whisper, it shouts. The sadness and tension that have been quietly building suddenly burst out as heat, a raised voice, or tears. It can feel like being taken over for a minute, then the wave passes, and you are left spent.

Naming the experience

Here is how it often starts. Your chest heats up, your heart pounds, your hands clench before your mind catches up. Words feel sharp and fast. A minute later the edge drops, and in its place comes a heavy let-down, guilt, exhaustion, maybe shame. Psychiatrists eventually gave this pattern a name, anger attacks, because they often behave more like panic than ordinary anger.

Plain-language definition.
An anger attack is a sudden surge of anger or rage, usually peaking within minutes, often bigger than the situation, and paired with strong body sensations like pounding heartbeat, heat, sweating, shaking, short breath, or lightheadedness. It may end with tears, guilt, or exhaustion. Some people have them a few times a year, others more often. These are stress-system symptoms, not proof that you are bad or violent. Naming it helps you separate the person from the pattern.

In the early 1990s, clinicians began noticing that many people with major depression described panic-like episodes of rage. They documented the pattern and studied it. Across several samples, roughly one third to one half of adults with major depression reported these episodes. Similar findings appeared in different countries and settings. The point is not to inflate numbers, the point is relief. If you recognize this in yourself, you are not alone and you are not broken.

What it feels like in real life

You drop a glass. It shatters. Something inside you seems to snap too. Heat floods your face. Your heart slams. A shout leaves your mouth before you decide to say anything. Then, almost as quickly, you are crying and apologizing, drained, confused about where that came from. Later you tell yourself a harsh story about it. That harsh story keeps the cycle going.

How anger attacks differ from regular anger

  • Sudden onset, they rise fast, sometimes with no clear trigger you can name.
  • Big body charge, heart, breath, heat, and shaking mark the episode.
  • Aftermath, regret, shame, and fatigue often follow.
  • Mismatch, the reaction feels larger than the moment.

What it is, and what it is not

  • Anger attack: fast rise, big body charge, mismatch with the moment, drop into fatigue or tears.
  • Ordinary anger: builds with a clear cause, proportionate, leaves you functional.
  • Panic attack: fear and doom are central, anger may be absent, breath and heart race.
  • Overwhelm in ADHD or autism: sensory or task overload can look similar, pacing and shutdown are common. If you relate to this, note it for your clinician.

Safety first
If you ever fear you might harm yourself or someone else, seek help now, call local emergency services or a crisis line. If attacks include blackouts, weapons, or injuries, get urgent medical support. Understanding the pattern is step one, safety is step zero.

How the body carries it

Here is a tiny map you can keep in your pocket.
Hyperarousal means the alarm is high, heart rate rises, breath shortens, hands feel warm, jaw tightens, thinking narrows, voice gets sharp.
Hypoarousal means the system crashes, energy tanks, limbs feel heavy, focus blurs, you go quiet, numb, avoidant.

Learning these body states helped me notice earlier and choose a different path sooner.

After an anger attack, a short reset

A 10-minute playbook

  1. Ground, feet on floor, long exhale, sip water.
  2. Note the facts, what just happened, keep it one or two lines.
  3. Repair quickly, if someone was affected, “I got overwhelmed, I am sorry, I am taking space to settle and will check back.”
  4. Lower inputs, quiet space, dim phone, light snack if hungry.
  5. Prevent rumination, set a 20-minute timer, when it rings, do one small neutral task, laundry, dishes, a short walk.
  6. Log it, see the one-line tracker below.

One-line tracker
Date, time, last three inputs, how it felt first in the body, how it ended, one thing that helped.
Example, Tue 6 pm, poor sleep, skipped lunch, tense email, heat in chest, cried then heavy, water and a walk helped.

A simple repair script
“I got overwhelmed earlier and had what I now know is an anger attack. I am sorry for how it came out. I am learning to catch these sooner. Here is what I will try next time, take a pause, breathe, name it, step away for ten minutes. Thank you for giving me a moment to reset.”

A note on history and culture

Many of us were taught that anger is unacceptable, or that only certain people are allowed to show it. Gender, culture, family rules, and safety histories shape how anger appears and how we judge ourselves for it. If your anger shows up as irritability, tears, or numbness, it still counts. You deserve language and support, not shame.

What helps over time

Skills that widen your emotional margin, sleep repair, regular meals, limits on alcohol and stimulants, movement, and therapy that targets body cues and thinking patterns can all reduce attacks. Antidepressants can help for many, especially when anxiety is present, though some medicines or doses can raise jitteriness for a few people, always talk with your prescriber about what you notice.

Now that we can name the episode, the next step is understanding the loop that drives it, brain alarm, body charge, narrowed thinking, crash. When we see where the pedals are, alarm and brake, we can practice pressing the right one sooner. Part 2 maps that loop in simple terms, and pairs each step with small skills you can try the same day.

Where we go next

If you have read this far, we have already done something important, we have named the pattern. Depression can carry irritability and anger, anger attacks can be real, panic like surges, and the shame afterward can deepen the illness if we treat it as proof of being broken. Naming is not an excuse, it is a map, and maps let us choose safer routes. In Part 2 we will look at what is happening in the brain and body during these episodes, the alarm and the brake, and then we will walk through the treatments and day to day practices that make the gap between spark and action wider, and repair more possible.

References for Section 3

Acceptance, Anger, Blame, Courage, Despair, Forgiveness, Hope, Judgment, Mindfulness, Positivity, Shame, Suffering

When Sadness Turns to Fire, Part 2 – Cooling the System, Tools for Recovery

In Part 1 we named a hard truth that many of us carry quietly, depression does not always look like sadness. It can look like irritability, a low boil that never cools, or sudden anger attacks that feel panic like in the body and are followed by shame and exhaustion. In this second part, we shift from naming to mechanics and practice. We will look at what is happening in the brain and body, then walk through treatment and day to day tools that lower the background heat, interrupt rumination earlier, and make repair more likely.

Section 4 — What’s Happening in the Brain and Body

Why this matters

When we understand what is happening inside us, shame can give way to compassion. These reactions are biological, not moral.

Once I learned there was a name for what I was feeling, I still wondered why my body reacted like that. Why did my chest tighten and my vision blur as if I were under attack. The answer lives in the wiring of our brains and the chemistry of stress.

The brain’s two partners, the alarm and the brake

Think of the amygdala as a smoke detector. It spots possible danger very fast, but it cannot tell the difference between a real fire and burnt toast. Think of the prefrontal cortex as the brake pedal. It is the part that usually says we are safe, slow down, think it through. In depression, long stress and sadness can weaken the brake and make the alarm more sensitive. The mind keeps sending danger signals in ordinary moments, so the body prepares to defend when no defense is needed.

What this means for you: If you feel on edge before anything happens, your alarm is firing early and the brake is tired. Short pauses, labeling what is happening, and skills that strengthen attention help the brake work better. Being with safe people lowers false alarms.

The body’s alarm system

When the alarm sounds, your body uses a network called the HPA axis. It is the brain and body’s intercom for emergencies. It releases stress chemicals like adrenaline and cortisol to prepare you for action. In long depression, this system can stick on high alert.

Common body cues: jaw tight, chest heat, hands hot or shaky, breath short, tunnel vision, shoulders up, stomach flip or knots.

What this means for you: When two cues show up together, treat it like a yellow light. Soften your jaw, drop your shoulders, plant your feet, and lengthen the exhale.

When stress spreads through the body

Long periods of depression can keep this stress loop active throughout the body. What begins as chemical stress in the brain can ripple outward, affecting digestion, nerves, joints, and other organs until safety and rest allow those systems to settle. Over time, the same inflammatory chemicals that unsettle mood can travel beyond the brain. They circulate through the bloodstream and can irritate tissues throughout the body—the gut, the nerves, even the skin and joints—creating real physical symptoms that often have no clear medical cause until the stress response quiets.

For years my body carried that alarm long before I understood what it meant. In my early thirties my bowels became inflamed, but every test came back without a clear cause. In the three years before my diagnosis I began noticing sharp, pin-like pain in the balls of my feet that made walking difficult and matching tingling in my fingertips. Doctors called it metatarsalgia and neuropathic pain, yet nothing explained why it lingered. I was diagnosed with major depression on February 2, 2023, at the age of forty-three. 

Within six weeks of starting treatment and living safely apart from my abuser(and victim), the symptoms eased. The bowel discomfort settled, the nerve pain disappeared, and I could walk normally again. Occasionally they flicker back for a day or two during stress, brief reminders of how closely the nervous system and immune system echo emotional strain. What began in my mind had clearly been living in my body too. My body learned safety in its own time, and once it did, the inflammation and pain finally grew quiet.

Inflammation, when the immune system joins in

Ongoing stress also calls in the immune system. It sends out cytokines, tiny chemical messengers that usually help fight infection. Too many for too long can affect the brain. They can make the amygdala more reactive and make the calm voice of the prefrontal cortex quieter. 

Scientists call this neuroinflammation. You can think of it as emotional static. Static can make every small stress feel louder than it is, sharper, and harder to tune out. This kind of inflammation can also slow communication between brain regions that manage focus, mood, and memory. It is one reason people in long depressive episodes often feel foggy, forgetful, or easily startled even when nothing specific is wrong. In essence, the brain’s alarm system becomes louder while its soothing circuits go offline.

What this means for you: Steady sleep, regular movement, and gentle connection tend to turn down this static. If you talk with a clinician, mention patterns like daytime fatigue with wired evenings. That mix can suggest a stuck stress system.

The tug-of-war between exhaustion and overdrive

Depression and anger can feed each other in a loop.

  • Sadness and stress raise inflammation.
  • Inflammation makes the brain jumpy and quicker to anger.
  • Each outburst floods the body with more stress chemicals.
  • The crash afterward deepens fatigue and hopelessness.

It is like pressing the gas and the brake at once. The wheels spin, the engine strains, and you burn out faster.

Mini-map you can screenshot:
Sadness or stress → Alarm up → HPA chemicals → Body charge → Thinking narrows → Outburst or shut-down → Crash → Shame and rumination → Inflammation rises → Brake weakens → back to Alarm.

What this means for you: You do not need to fix the whole loop. One early exit—a long exhale, a short pause, or a small repair—changes the outcome.

Not one size fits all

In long depression, some people show high cortisol, others show a blunted stress response. Both are signs of a dysregulated system. This is why personalized plans help and why gentle experiments matter more than hard rules.

Myth versus fact

Myth: Strong anger means I am a bad or dangerous person.
Fact: These are stress-system patterns. Understanding them lets you choose safer exits and kinder repairs.

Myth: If this is biological, I cannot change it.
Fact: Biology is trainable. Breath, sleep, movement, therapy, medicine, and connection reshape these circuits.

Myth: I should be able to think my way out.
Fact: Start with the body too. Calming breath and posture give the brain room to think clearly.

A note on history and culture

Families, schools, and cultures teach us what anger should look like and who is allowed to show it. If your signals appear as irritability, tears, or numbness, they still count. Your signals are valid. You deserve language and support, not shame.

Knowledge is not just information, it is leverage. The same systems that get stuck can reset. Rest and regular meals help the HPA axis settle. Therapy helps the brake get stronger and the alarm get wiser. Medication can lower background heat for many people. Connection, honest sharing, and being believed reduce the static so your brain does not have to shout to be heard. When we learn what our bodies are trying to tell us, we can stop fighting them and start healing with them.

References for Section 4

Section 5 — Breaking the Loop: Treatment and Recovery

Once we understand what sets the alarm off, we can learn how to quiet it. Healing is not forcing joy, it is helping the body and brain feel safe again.

1) Restoring balance with medicine

Some people find that antidepressants, like fluoxetine or sertraline, steady mood and soften sudden anger. These medicines fine-tune serotonin, which supports calm thinking and impulse control. For many, medication turns down the background noise so you can hear yourself again. Medication is not for everyone, and that is okay. It is one valid path, often a doorway to clearer thinking and steadier emotions while other supports take root.

What to expect and what to watch
Most people feel an initial shift after 2–4 weeks, with fuller effects by 6–8. If you have ever had stretches of unusually high energy, less need for sleep, or risky behavior, ask your clinician to screen for bipolar before starting an antidepressant. In the first weeks, tell your prescriber if you feel revved up, more irritable, or your sleep worsens, so the plan can be adjusted. In several studies of depressed outpatients with anger attacks, roughly 53–71 percent saw those outbursts disappear after starting SSRI treatment.

Try this: write two goals (for example, “fewer surges,” “steadier sleep”) and one concern (for example, “jittery the first week”). Bring the list to your prescriber. Track changes weekly, not daily.

2) Re-training the mind and nervous system

a) Cognitive and behavioral skills (CBT)

Therapy is like mental physical therapy. CBT helps you notice thoughts that pour fuel on frustration, “I always fail,” “No one cares,” and replace them with fair, testable alternatives. Each time you catch a distortion and choose a fairer thought, you strengthen the brain’s brake circuits.

  • Thought record: Hot thought → evidence for/against → fair thought → one next step.
  • Behavioral activation (micro-task): one small, doable action that nudges mood and breaks avoidance.

Try this: after a hot moment, write “I ruined everything” → “I had a rough minute, I am practicing a pause” → “Drink water, breathe, repair.”

b) Emotion regulation & mindfulness (DBT, MBCT)

DBT teaches the pause between spark and flame; mindfulness helps you notice the spark in the first place. At first it feels awkward, like stretching a stiff muscle; over time, breath before reaction becomes natural. Imaging and clinical studies link these practices with stronger frontal regulation and fewer relapses.

  • STOP (DBT): Stop. Take one breath. Observe one body cue. Proceed one notch slower.
  • 3-minute breathing space (MBCT): 1 minute noticing, 1 minute breathing, 1 minute widening attention.
  • TIPP (DBT, pick one): temperature shift, brief intense exercise, or paced breathing  and/or parallel muscle relaxation to settle the body.

c) Self-compassion training

Many of us turn anger inward. Self-compassion flips the script: treat yourself as you would treat someone you love. You cannot hate yourself into healing. Warm self-talk lowers shame and helps you re-engage with skills when you slip.

30-second compassion break
 “This is hard.”
 “Others feel this too.”
 “May I be kind to myself as I learn.”

3) Calming the body to calm the mind

Exercise, sleep, and nutrition are not side notes—they are chemical messages that say, the crisis is over.

  • Movement: 10–20 minutes most days, outdoors if possible, to release natural antidepressant chemicals and reduce inflammatory “static.”
  • Sleep: the single best lever is a consistent wake time. Protect a simple wind-down and keep caffeine before noon.
  • Breathing: long exhalations tell the body, you are safe now. Try five slow breaths and notice your pulse settle.
  • Food & stimulants: steady meals and fewer late-night screens help the brake engage.

Try this (one anchor this week): 15-minute walk after lunch, or lights out by 11, or no caffeine after noon.

4) Connection and community

Anger and shame thrive in isolation; connection dissolves both. In rooms like Depression Anonymous, you learn that anger does not disqualify you from belonging; it is part of being human. The first time I admitted my anger out loud, no one turned away. Someone nodded. That nod changed everything. Supportive ties also correlate with lower stress-hormone and pro-inflammatory signaling, which is one reason groups make every other skill work better.

Try this: text one trusted person, “Rough day, I am practicing a pause,” or share a two-minute check-in at a meeting.

Equity & access: If cost or waitlists are barriers, lean on peer groups, publicly available MBCT workbooks, library copies of CBT guides, and community walks. Small, free steps still count.

5) Staying balanced and practicing gentleness

Relapse prevention is not constant vigilance; it is noticing ripples before they become waves.

  • Daily check-in: Am I sleeping. Am I moving. Am I connecting.

  • Two-step reset for spikes: body first (cool water, long exhale), then one fair thought, then one repair line.

  • Tiny tracking: one-line log after a hot moment, trigger, skill used, outcome.

  • Safety: If you ever feel unsafe, use your local crisis line or emergency services; keep one number saved in your phone.

Closing reflection: Healing is not about silencing anger; it is learning to listen to it without letting it burn you.

Quick start — one week plan

  • Day 1–2: Practice the breath (out 6, hold 1, in 4, hold 1), one minute twice daily.

  • Day 3: Choose one body anchor (walk or wake-time).

  • Day 4: Do one CBT thought record after a tough moment.

  • Day 5: Share your pause plan with one person.

  • Day 6: Attend or message a group; two-minute check-in.

  • Day 7: Review your one-liners; circle two habits to carry forward.

References for Section 5

Section 6 — Making Peace with Anger

On those nights I woke drenched in sweat, heart racing, with no memory of a dream, I thought it proved how broken I was. In the quiet, the same five to ten thoughts would start looping, and by morning the irritability felt baked in. Now I see it proved how much pain I had carried without words. Anger was never the enemy, it was a signal light on the dashboard of a tired mind. Through learning, therapy, and community, the same signal still appears sometimes, but it no longer frightens me. I know what it means.

Anger as messenger, not enemy

Anger is not a moral failing or a fixed trait, it is the body’s language for unmet need or unseen hurt. When it rises now, I ask, what part of me feels unheard, instead of what is wrong with me. That question changes everything. Judgment turns into curiosity, and curiosity makes room for care.
One boundary line I practice: “I care about this and I want to stay kind, I will take ten minutes and then talk.”

Science as compassion

Learning that the amygdala, the alarm, can quiet when the prefrontal brake grows stronger was comforting. It meant my reactions were not character defects, they were patterns the brain can relearn. Practice builds new connections, breath by breath and choice by choice. Brains change with repetition, even in adults. Practice strengthens calming circuits the way daily stretches loosen a tight muscle.

Living the practice

Peace is not permanent, it is practiced. Some days I still feel the spark. I breathe, soften my jaw, roll my shoulders, step outside, and remind myself, this heat will pass. Each time I pause instead of erupting, I rewrite one line in my nervous system’s story. The next line gets easier to write.
A tiny ritual I use: hand to chest, one long exhale, one kind sentence, then one small action, water, fresh air, or a brief walk.

From isolation to connection

I used to think my anger made me unfit for community. Then I spoke about it in a meeting, nervously, and others nodded. That simple recognition was medicine. We are hurt in isolation, we heal in connection. Every honest conversation cools the fire a little more, and makes repair feel possible.
One repair script: “I got overwhelmed and spoke sharply, I am sorry, I am practicing a pause, can we reset?”

Ongoing peace

We do not erase anger, we learn its rhythm. Some days it whispers, some days it roars. Now I meet it with the same curiosity I once reserved for shame. Anger is energy that, when understood, becomes protection, boundary, and sometimes love in motion. It reminds me I am alive, and still capable of change.

6) Next week, one gentle step

  • Share a two minute check in at a meeting, or
  • Text a safe person, “I felt the spark today and paused,” or
  • Write one paragraph titled, “What anger is protecting right now.”

If you have read this far, you have already done something brave. You have looked closely at a part of depression that most of us are taught to hide.

Across these pages we named anger as a real, common face of depression, not a personal defect. We put language to anger attacks, those panic like surges that leave you shaken and ashamed. We walked through the brain and body, the alarm and the brake, the stress chemistry and inflammation that can keep the system on high alert. Then we explored what can help, medicine for some, skills that retrain thoughts and nervous system, body care, and the healing power of honest community.

Underneath all of that is one simple idea, anger is information. It points to hurt, to unfairness, to needs that have gone too long without words. When we treat anger as a signal instead of a verdict on our character, we gain choices. We can pause, ground, speak, repair, and try again.

Recovery does not mean you never feel anger again. It means you learn its early whispers, you build in exits before the spike, you repair when you miss the turn. It means you let science soften shame, and you let other people’s stories remind you that you are not the only one who feels this heat.

If today all you can manage is one slow breath and one kind thought toward yourself, that already counts. You are allowed to bring your anger into the rooms where you seek help. You are allowed to stay. And you are allowed to hope that the fire in you can one day feel less like a threat and more like a light you know how to tend.

References for Section 6

12 Step Meeting, Anger, Anxiety, Belief, Choice, Depressed Anonymous, Depressed Anonymous Workbook, Fellowship, Grief, Higher Power, Journaling, Negativity, Purpose, The 12 Steps

When you’re depressed all you’re interested in is survival – Dorothy Rowe

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THE ORIGINS of MISTRUST

I want to share with you how Dr. Fitzgibbons, a psychiatrist, provides examples how our lack of trust can originate in early childhood. Patterns of isolating behavior and negative thinking, grow strong in a home environment where the child is not loved and nurtured.

Dr. Fitzgibbons, tells us “that the seedbed of mistrust resides in childhood. Many times this lack of trust, of others and ourselves and the world around us, may have begun with the loss of a parent, sister, brother, or a close friend. A serious illness in a parent, sibling or oneself can be the cause of depression. Many times mistrust comes about because of an alcoholic parent so that a child never knows if a drunken loved one is coming home, or in an angry drunken stupor. Anger and rejection by caregivers and/or peers can also have an effect on the ability to trust. Parental divorce or separation can have an effect on a child. Also a cold distant, and unloving parent can have a negative effect on a child. Add to this, a legacy of mistrust and fear in the family will negatively influence a child. Finally, poverty may also be a cause of mistrust”

Brenda, (not her real name ) shares with us some of her own story:

“I have often reflected on how a lack of trust in myself and in others, had a crippling effect on my early childhood development. It was only until I began examining my own childhood, later in life, that I discovered reasons for my mistrust of others. I accomplished these discoveries by getting in touch with those early negative feelings that constantly bombarded my everyday thinking. Most of these early feelings remained unconscious and hidden, until I started to examine my childhood relationships, especially with those significant others who were my caregivers.”

By utilizing the Depressed Anonymous Workbook with its’ 12 STEP COMMENTARY, and questions, directed toward one’s early life experiences, special attention was centered on those caregivers and significant others in one’s family, who, charged with caregiving, to provide the child with the love that a child deserves. For many children, who grew up in a home environment, filled with anger, parental arguing, and violence, made it impossible for a child to defend themselves against such abuse, including mental, sexual, and physical abuse. Some children create fantasy worlds, some with imaginary friends, with whom they can confide in and feel secure in a home environment where chaos reigns.

In our Depressed Anonymous fellowship, we can begin to open up to group members, giving us that opportunity to share and trust, others, who are like ourselves. We happily discovered that we are now no longer alone. Most of us come to our program of recovery, looking to find help, and that welcome relief from the daily crippling burden of depression, which has forced us to isolate from others, believing that we are not good enough.

Earlier, Dr, Fitzgibbons has listed some of the major causes of our childhood depression, and we can resonate with them within our hearts and minds. And in your moments of personal quiet and reflection, celebrate who you are and not who others say you are.

So get a notebook, and begin to write down your answers to those questions in the DA Workbook, which hold meaning for your own personal life and recovery, to which you can relate. Share your DA Workbook with your therapist, sponsor or friends in Depressed Anonymous at the ZOOM meetings online, and/or face to face meetings.

So now, not only will you be a survivor, you will no longer be a victim of those circumstances, which made you believe that you were worthless, unlovable and unacceptable. Progress, not perfection.

By completing my Fourth Step inventory, it became possible to uncover those areas of my early life which made trusting an impossibility. As mentioned earlier, and later into my early adult life, it was my own spiraling downward, into the darkness of depression, the only thing that I could think of was my survival. I was desperate to stop the descent into the darkness and physical pain. I knew that I must get active, preventing my paralyzing desire to take comfort in sleep and shut out the world.

My life is very different now. I continue to take inventory of my life on a daily basis and I finally believe in myself and the Higher Power that has helped me believe that I have a purpose and a meaning for my life. I also believe in a power that is greater than myself and who continually leads me, everyday, on this wonderful journey of hope! Progress and not perfection.

TRUST IS A FEELING OF BEING SAFE IN RELATIONSHIPS AND IN LIFE.

HUGH S., FOR THE FELLOWSHIP

Anger, Depressed Anonymous Workbook, Fear, Pain, Prayer, Spirituality, Step 01, Step 02, Step 03

Sweeping away prejudice

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“”There is a well known saying, Contempt prior to investigation will leave one in everlasting ignorance.”

Strong words, everlasting ignorance. Everlasting meaning never ending ignorance. Ignorance meaning not more of and nothing to do with intelligence here. One is left everlastingly in the dark. Contempt has prejudiced the light of awareness. I believe our true Being ness is this light of awareness. Twelve Step recovery suggests a sweeping away of prejudice along with honest thinking and diligently looking within, in order to join the Broad Highway of Belief. I is called the Cornerstone.
Let’s say we use a a spiritual broom as a tool for this sweeping away. N0w let use this broom to clean up and clear away old ideas and beliefs that have been darkening our Source or Higher Power. The Depressed Anonymous Workbook does such a thorough job of uncovering these. Deeply embedded fears/hurts/ anger etc., can be swept into ( or surrendered into) the heart or the light within or the seed planted within each of us. This seed idea of God, when these ideas, beliefs and motives are swept away, then the light can be nurtured to grow and shine so brilliantly in our lives. We are life and no longer dwelling in darkness! However it is suggested in Scripture from Christ Consciousness, that when a house swept clean, it must not allow itself to become “vacant”after this spiritual House is in order. Now in Presence. No past or future occupancy in the mind, saddening oneself again. Find the Miracle of Abiding Presence. We are Life and Life is Now eternally. A quote from Misread Maharaji, “Wisdom is knowing I am nothing. Love is knowing I am everything.
Affectionately
Janet M

12 Step Meeting, Anger, Avoidance, Choice, DA Literature, Fellowship, Purpose, Supportive Actions, The 12 Steps

The best way to live with sadness is to share it

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DECISION 11: I will let go of envy and allow myself to be sad.

“Actually, envy is only possible when we distance ourselves
from people. Once we get close to other people and discover their point of view, we discover also that all people have their own troubles. Every advantage in life has its own disadvantages. Envying people is a waste of time. And time runs out for all of us. Even if we never wasted time being frightened, angry, envious, lonely and depressed, we still could not fit into a lifetime of all the marvelous things we could do.”

Dorothy reminds us that “the best way to live with sadness is to share it.”

Dorothy Rowe. Breaking the Bonds: Understanding Depression, Finding Freedom. Fontana. London. 1991. Pages 270-271.
(Leaving Loneliness Behind. The Twelve Decisions.)

Anger, Anxiety, Depressed Anonymous Workbook, Honesty, Hope, Positivity, Supportive Actions

How do I deal with anger in my life?

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DECISION 8: I WILL BE MORE ACCEPTING OF ANOTHER’S ANGER AND NOT ALWAYS TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

When you are both the focus and the cause of the person’s anger, you will need to find responses other than cutting yourself off from the person, by doing that, sharply reinforces your barrier of loneliness.

D.Rowe tells us that we find the cause of the anger and discuss the matter. For whatever reason for the anger, it might be best to write a letter the person. Or, Possibly, a friendly visit between the two of you will help solve the problem.

Making an apology when we see ourselves trapped, weak, worthless and hopeless, by making an apology to the person who caused the anger, seems frightening and humiliating.

Making amends, an apology to those we have injured us, seems gracious and creative, allowing a relationship to be strengthened and resumed.

In some families, there was no teasing, absolutely not. Maybe outside the family it might be allowed. Everything in the family was 100% serious. If a family member was teased, then this could result in a sulk and long term silence.

But in school, children might be teased, but never knowing how to tease back. We want to distinguish between friendly and malicious teasing. We could put bullying at the top of the list as one of the most harmful ways of malicious teasing. When I make an effort to get along with other people, distinguishing between friendly or imaginary teasing, this makes our relationship stronger, the other builds barriers.

TOMORROW DECISION 9: I WILL IMPROVE MY SKILL IN DISTINGUISHING BETWEEN REAL AND IMAGINARY ENEMIES.

Anger, Meditation, Mutual Aid, Prayer

Protecting Yourself From Toxic People

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As a depressive I feel that I am more sensitive than other people. Sometimes I need to determine if it is me being over sensitive orif it is the other person toxic and harming me. Toxic people come in many forms: narcissists, sociopaths, predators, etc. Truly deeply toxic people probably should be avoided completely. How can you recognize toxic people in your life? I found a list of characteristics of “human predators” which can be a proxy for any type of toxic person.

The characteristics of a “human predator”:

  • Human predators are mean.
  • Predators are utterly selfish.
  • Predators pretend friendship and love but they feel absolutely nothing for others.
  • Predators are charming and good at flattery, but they don’t mean a single word of it.
  • Predators brag and boast and make up outrageous lies. When challenged, they blame others.
  • Predators don’t feel anxiety or fear.
  • Predators are impulsive and easily bored. They demand thrills and take dangerous risks. They enjoy pushing others into taking dangerous risks, too.
  • Predators are bullies with explosive tempers.
  • Predators enjoy humiliating people.
  • Predators hate it if anyone else has power or is praised. For the predator, life is a competition and they want to win.
  • Predators weaken people with insults and putdowns.
  • Predators are cunning and manipulative.
  • Predators lie easily and think nothing of breaking a promise.
  • Predators are without conscience: they do not feel remorse or guilt.
  • Predators often boast about the harm they’ve done to other people.
  • Predators are parasites. They are lazy and live off others, giving as little as possible in return.
  • Predators are control freaks, stopping others from taking control of anything if they can
  • Predators force petty rules on others – rules that are impossible to follow.
  • Predators boast about tricking other people.
  • Predators boast about breaking the law.

Jon Atack
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1076831346096293&id=283133205466115

If a person has most of these characteristics – avoid them. You are not being over sensitive, the other person is toxic.

If a person has one or a few of these characteristics they may be able to be managed through clear, firm and mature boundaries. However try not to fall into the trap of hate. Maintain a small amount of love for that person – even if that is just that they are a creation of God. The behavior can be hated but try not to hate the person. It’s been my experience when I hate someone I hurt myself.

If the other person doesn’t have any of the above characteristics I need to be open to the idea that I may be over sensitive regarding this. I need to pray and meditate on it. I need to talk to other mature, serene people who can help me discern my part. I need to own and take responsibility for my part of the problem.

Yours in recovery, Bill R

Anger, Anxiety, Depressed Anonymous, Depressed Anonymous Workbook, Ego Deflation, Fear, Fellowship, Forgiveness, Higher Power, Indecision, Isolation, Mutual Aid, Prayer, Purpose, Step 01, Suffering, Supportive Actions

I’m depressed! Where do I go from here?

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NOTICE: Whenever a blog post mentions an online meeting be sure to consult the page Online Depressed Anonymous Meetings for the most up to date and correct information. If the blog post is more than a few days old there is a chance it could be incorrect.

“Now that I have admitted I am having a difficult time living I want to learn some new avenues that will make my life more enjoyable and much more livable.” Depressed Anonymous Workbook, Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville. KY. 2002.
Are the sad feelings of depression causing your life to be lived inside the prison of hopelessness? Have your moods deepened to the extent that you are no longer able to function. By that I mean are you unable to do even the basic things like talking to family or friends, holding onto a job, getting out of bed in the morning, or just to concentrate on any single thought for any length of time. Some of us are unable to sleep when we are depressed. Some of us gain weight because of inactivity and fatty comfort foods. If you say yes to any of the above life changers then you could possibly be suffering from the symptoms of depression.

I know now that at the point that I think my life is at its lowest point…that is when this program of recovery came into my life. I believe with the Psalmist who once stated that we need to commit ourselves to God, trust in him, and that the God of my understanding will act in my behalf.

When we learn to let go+ of those persons, mental images, painful past personal situations and memories the better I am able to let God control my life. I find this letting go a fearsome project but nevertheless I find that I must do it if I want to find hope once again.

“Some of the major ways people help buiild the walls of derpession are to consider themselves worthless, won’t allow themselves to get angry, they can’t forgive themselves or others, and they beleive that life is hard and death is worse. Also, they beleive that since bad things happened to them in the past bad things are bound ti happen to them in the future.”
Depressed Anonymous, Third Edition, Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisvile. KY. 2011. Page 28-38.

And so to answer my question, where do I go from here? I personally suggest that you find a Depressed Anonymous meeting and be part of the conversation. But now with the covid-19 surrounding us, most face to face meetings have paused for safety reasons.

We are now very fortunate to have an online International Depressed Anonymous Skype meeting every day. It is live at 11:30AM CST and at 12:30PM EST. The Depressed Anonymous meeting originates from the USA, and can be accessed by anyone with the Internet.

For more information please go to www.depressedanon.com, click onto Depressed Anonymous HOMEPAGE drop down menu at MEETINGS and it is there you wil find a link to the meeting live.

If there are other questions please contact Depanon@Hotmail.com

For more information about Literature on Depression and the 12 Steps please click onto THE DEPRESSED ANONYMOUS PUBLICATIONS BOOKSTORE for online ordering.

The DEPRESSED ANONYMOUS Third Edition is available as well as the DEPRESSED ANONYMOUS WORKBOOK. Both these can be downloaded as Ebooks from our website.

Anger, Fear

Anger Worry Fear Guilt

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Today I would like to share some thoughts and reflections from the Depressed Anonymous Workbook (the same one used for the Online Depressed Anonymous meetings at SKYPE).

On page 77 @ question 10.18 this question is asked of the participants: “list the various ways that you plan to remove your most frequent unpleasant emotion? Write down your strategy.”

If we are following the work in the Workbook, we have already spent a good amount of time and energy reflecting upon our own anger, worry fear and guilt. We know how all these emotions and moods have a large role to play in our own experiences with depression.

Step 10 states that we “continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.” Our Depressed Anonymous manual speaks to us about taking responsibility for our recovery from depression.

“Responsibility is the name of the game in recovery and it is here that we need to focus our attention. As we get into a discussion with others in the group who are depressed – much like ourselves- we see that they talk about feeling better while at the same time acting on their own behalf. These people who are doing better are also talking about taking charge of their lives and doing things for themselves instead of constantly trying to please others.” (You can find this quote on page 107 in the Depressed Anonymous, 3rd edition.)

A potent strategy is suggested in our DA book (Page 110): “Promptly forgive yourselves! Promptly tell a friend, DA group member, coworker, spouse, that you are now trying to live one day at a time, one hour at a time and are depending on the Higher Power to give you the courage to risk thinking hopeful thoughts which have the power to lead yourself back into the community, the family and among friends. Develop a gratitude attitude and thank God for today! This day is all we have. Get involved in your own healing. Start to take on the attitude that if other people can make it so can I. It’s true – you can make it if you follow the program.”

Join with us every day at SKYPE. See Home Page menu items for MEETINGS times and places. You’ll be happy that you did!!

RESOURCES
(C) Depressed Anonymous, 3rd ed.(2011) Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville. Ky.
(c) The Depressed Anonymous Workbook(2002) Depressed Anonymous Publications. Louisville, KY